Olivia is a strong-willed, independent soul.
I remind myself daily of the ways God could use a soul like hers. Not because I am The Perfect Mother. But because if I didn’t, I would be sorely temped to squash that soul and make it a meek, powerless thing that I could wrap around my finger. Because life with a strong-willed, independent toddler is hard.
We have learned some tricks that help us. We ask her often what she wants. We give her choices. We let her choose. It seems to satisfy her soul to be treated almost as a fellow adult sometimes.
But is that appropriate? Should we be treating our two-year-old as an equal at times?
Please don’t misunderstand. We do put our foot (feet?) down. We tell her when the choice is ours to make. We make it clear when the answer is “No” and nothing she does can change that.
But are we causing confusion by this? Sometimes she gets to choose, other times she doesn’t. Does she see the rhyme and reason behind each instance?
If you have raised a toddler, how did you do it? What worked for you? Did you make all the choices? Did your child? Did you find a technique that worked? Can you see, now that your child is older, how that technique has helped your child develop? Or do you wish you would have chosen a different technique? What do you notice about your child that has been effected by the technique you wish you hadn’t chosen?
i think that’s how life is. sometimes we get to choose, sometimes we don’t . as she gets older, she’ll begin to understand that. even my almost 6-year-old is still learning that some things aren’t a choice and some are. i’m a fan of offering limited choices, only offer choices that you’re okay with her choosing! (and pick your battles, eh?)
I think it is fine to let her have choices sometimes and you make the choice other times. That balance should help her to understand that sometimes someone else makes the decision, but by allowing her choices sometimes, you support her independence and teach her how to make decisions. Sometimes I ask my toddler what she wants, sometimes I decide, and that’s what I did with my older kids when they were her age.
Sometimes when she is deciding on something, I just ask her open endedly, other times I give her only a finite number of choices.
I think you’re doing just fine. 🙂
I often wonder the same thing. Do I seem “fickle” to my little girl? How much can she understand? I, like you, try to give her as many choices as I can, but don’t budge an INCH when I’ve said “no.” I will be interested so see what people suggest on your blog — I could use the advice, too!! 🙂
I think we caught each other online! I was just leaving a comment on your blog when I got one from you on mine! Thanks for stopping by. I wrote a “What I Believe” post because I thought it was a good idea you had, but I was too late for your last one. I will write another when you have another “What I Believe…” post! Great blog.
I think offering choices as early as possible is the best and only way to do it. Now, bear in mind, I’m only the mother of a toddler at the moment myself, so I can’t tell you how well this plan will have worked out in 20 years, but it sure seems to be working better that just telling her what to do.
For us, there are two different types of choices: the ones that are just for fun (such as, “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one?”) and others that are much more important (“You can either stop hitting Daddy or you will get a time-out.”) The earlier kids can see that their voice really does matter, the more they will be able to recognize their worth.
Love and Logic suggests you give choices but that both of them are ones you approve of. Would you like the pink or the blue cup? They recommend giving as many choices as possible in order to teach responsibility. Interesting concept. You might want to read some of their books. They have one for toddlers and address the concept of choices.
It’s absolutely fine to have times when the decision is made by you. It’s important for your sweet little one to realize they need to obey you. Boundaries are important to children. They need to have the security of knowing you are in charge. They need something to bump up against. 🙂
Good discussion.
Duckabush Blog
I really think limited choices are wonderful. We do it even for our slightly older children.
I don’t think she will be confused. Even if on Monday, you let her choose between Mac and Cheese or Peanut Butter for lunch, then on Tuesday you declare it’s tuna salad. Just tell her, “Yesterday you got to choose; today I am deciding”. Using vocabulary that supports your role in authority will help. “I will choose/I will let you choose”. “I am deciding” “I have determined” – NOT Wouldn’t you like to eat tuna today because we are out of peanut butter?” when the child doesn’t actually have a choice.
Also, for us, if there is a choice – and the child throws a fit because they don’t like the choices or whatever – that makes their choice automatically nothing. They forfeit the privilege to choose if they start complaining about it! Some of my kids caught on first time, some it’s taken a little while… but they’ve all made the connection to “not look a gift horse in the mouth”.
Giving choices teaches a child how to MAKE choices,..a valuable skill if you don’t wish her to become one of the folks to whom others always say, “make a decision, please” or less polite words to that effect!
So as other commentors have noted, we beleive in giving limited choices, which isn’t always easy or smooth, as the older they get the more they question why they are not given more choices and we second guess ourselves….which is part of being a parent, I guess…I think…hmmmm
Life is this way…sometimes we have choices; sometimes we don’t. We give our boys (ages 4 and 2) choices in age-appropriate topics. If they have a hard time accepting our “no”, then we cut back on choices for a while.
It sound to me like you are doing things the right way. I think it’s important for kids, no matter how young, to have some choices, but they need to learn that they don’t have a choice in everything, for instance, whether they want to wear a seatbelt or not. With my kids I limit their choices to two or three; otherwise, I would be sitting there all day long while they try to make up their minds. I think it helps them feel important when the get to choose things for themselves. I think they’ll naturally learn as they grow up that you don’t always have a choice in what you get to do, until you are out of your parents house, and even then the choices still remain very important: Would I rather obey the law, or would I rather go to jail? Some people are going to choose the wrong path no matter what. I think by letting them start to make some of their own decisions while they’re young, and you guiding them in the right direction, it will be easier for them to make good choices when they are adults.
I read in a parenting book once that a child who has tantrums/fits has too many choices. When my older two were little, I had times that the tantrums/crying were so bad that I told them they got no choices – Mommy was going to choose their clothes, their food, etc. They also need to ask for permission in our house to do things – “May I please go outside, etc.” It really worked! I think that they need to learn to obey without question first. Now, I am saying this, but I haven’t even come close to arriving. My children are 6, 5, 3, 2, and 4 mos.
:o) Rachel
Well, I think it’s okay to give my own toddler choices between (for example) two outfits, or two snacks, or two pairs of shoes… that’s how they develop their own personalities, likes and dislikes… I would say that you’re doing things just fine!
You’ve got the right idea. Some things are set in stone. When I say it is time for bed we go upstairs, no more playing. Every weekday morning she goes to preschool. The car doesn’t move unless she is buckled into her car seat.
Other areas have a little flexibility. Wash your face before I count to 10 or I get to wash your face. We are eating dinner in 15 minutes so you may not have milk right now but you can have some water.
Then there are ways we have built in some choice for my toddler. Every day she gets a Candy Card. It is a business card sized paper that she can exchange for one piece of candy. She can cash in her card at any time she wants to (before brushing her teeth at night) and she gets to pick out the candy.
Most mornings I pull out 2 different outfits for her to choose from.
At other times we ask Princess what she wants to do because we know that the experience will be ugly if she doesn’t want to participate. It is getting close to nap time but we are close to the grocery store and need to fill the fridge. It will save on gas if we stop now but if she isn’t going to cooperate my nerves would prefer to go after she had her nap. That is when I’ll ask her if she wants to go to the grocery store or go home. Those times when it really doesn’t matter and it could make life a little easier.
It sounds like you’re doing the right thing. I use the Love and Logic method which is lots of choices. Even silly choices — “Do you want a spoon or a fork for your cereal?” Everytime you let the child make a decision it will also allow you to decide when necessary. I am quick to remind — “Haven’t I given you lots of choices today? Now I am going to make the decision. Thank you for cooperating.” And I think it is totally normal for her to test your “No” — all kids do. They want to see how much you mean it. I think I’d be worried if she didn’t question your “no.”
When I was teaching DCD high school students (Developmental Cognitive Disability – I had very low students so this is sort of applicable as far as maturity level) we did as much of the ‘give ’em two options that we like’ as much as possible. Pumped up the whole “maturity” thing when they were making choices. …. and then was pretty much like “tough cookies” when there just wasn’t any other way around it.
Giving choices is great! Just make sure you only offer choices you can live with. If you don’t love option a and b equally you’ll be hurtin.
Hi! I think what you’re doing sounds just fine! Sometime we get to decide things, and sometimes the choice is up to someone else. Maybe that will be easier for her when she’s older if she is already learning that concept!
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Mrs. Brownstone @ XBOX Wife
http://xboxwife.blogspot.com/
I’m raising a toddler right now, so I don’t know how it’s all going to work out, but my training as a teacher, and my experience working with children (especially special needs children, who are even more complicated) says that you’re doing the right thing.
Your kid is smart enough to understand that sometimes she gets a choice and sometimes she doesn’t. If you were to remove all choices, she would 1) get frustrated and assert herself even more, 2) never learn to make good choices on her own, and 3) drive you insane.
I will say things like, “Do you want to go to McDonald’s or the book store?” to my daughter. Because, honestly, I don’t care where we go to play on a rainy day, so long as we go *somewhere*. Other parents don’t probably take it that far, but it works for me!
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
Some of the other ladies have mentioned it, but there is a book called “Parenting with Love and Logic” by Foster W. Cline and Jim Fay that is basically this parenting philosophy. I’ve read “Teaching with Love and Logic” by the same authors and my mom used this method with me (believe it or not I was quite the strong willed child) and she thought it worked. I think that that choices are great, as long as your child knows that sometimes you make the decisions and those decisions are final. I would recommend reading that book (you could probably find it in the library). I’m not necessarily speaking from direct experience as Micah is only a month old, but I am planning on using it in the future.
Mom gave us as many choices as possible when we were small, so I didn’t think this was an unusual way to raise children until I went off to nanny my first year of college. I was warned that one little boy had a lot of tantrums and language delays (he was four, rarely spoke, spent a lot of time MAD.) I watched for awhile, and realized this little guy had NO say in his own life, so why bother talking at all?
Our first lunch together, I asked if he’d like tuna fish or PB&J? And then I was silent while he thought about it. He decided PB & J, by pointing. So I held up two kinds of bread and asked if he’d like white or wheat? (Pointed again.) Strawberry or Grape Jelly? Did he want to spoon out the jelly, or should I? Etc…
Yes, it slowed down lunch production. 🙂 But he was practicing communication, making choices, was happy, and ate every speck of HIS sandwich. By the end of a month, the tantrums were virtually gone, he was much more communicative with words, and was a much happier little fellow.
Now, I’m raising three strong-willed children. We’re adding #4 this Christmas, and chances are, that one will be strong-willed, too. And the “Appropriate Choices” method has worked VERY well for them, too. Do I really care if my toddler wears matching socks? Not really… I do care that her feet stay warm. So, the “choice” of shoes or no shoes is not hers to make, but the choice in socks is, and I allow her the autonomy to wear one yellow and one pink, because she likes both colors.
All of mine have learned at an early age that we’ll give them every possible option (narrowed down to two choices when they’re small), but that sometimes the grownups get to choose the course of action, and they won’t always have a choice. It’s not been an issue, and the children don’t seem to be confused about it, even in the toddler stages. They aren’t always happy, but they can learn to behave civilly, anyhow. 🙂
Just about an hour ago I was reading a chapter in a parenting book about this very issue! (It is “Let the Children Come Along the Virtuous Way”.) I’ll try to kind of summarized what I got from it.
It talked a lot about providing age-appropriate freedoms, and maintaining parental restraint until children are old enough to handle the choices given to them. Parents should not allow their children freedoms prior to the development of age-appropriate self-control and age-appropriate moral understanding. Parents need to set up appropriate boundaries for the purpose of training the child in self-control. Then, allow those restraints give way to freedom once the child has established an appropriate level of self-control and moral understanding.
Where this comes into play with giving choices is that a child who is given too many choices too early can become “addicted to choice” (or “wise in their own eyes” in the language of Proverbs) In other words, they think they possess a type of self-sufficient wisdom that they do not possess. They may start to think that they are self-reliant and have the ability to order their own life.
“The problem is that the power associated with unlimited choices in the many non-moral activities of the day carries over to the moral arena, such as when instructions requiring obedience are given…the privilege of saying “No” [to the juice that Mom selected] is transferred to the right of saying “No” to Mom’s instructions.”
The important distinction is this – giving choices is not the problem. The problem is giving too many choices too early. The way to find out if your child is “addicted to choice” is to see what happens when all choices are taken away. If you prepare a meal and present it to your child (or choose a set of clothes for them to wear, or select an activity for them to do) how do they respond? If they accept your decision without complaint or protest, then they are probably able to handle some choices. If the child grumbles, complains, cries, and refuses your choice, then the child is probably addicted to choice (emotionally falls apart if the opportunity to choose for himself is not available.) If that is the case, then the parent needs to pull in the boundaries until the child has demonstrated contentment with parental authority.
(Some of what I wrote is directly from the book…I’m not trying to plagarize – just too lazy to put quotes around everything that’s a quote!)
I think that only you can know whether the choices you are giving your child are appropriate. It sounds like you do make choices for her sometimes. How does she respond when you do that? Personally, I think at 2-years-old the standard mode of operation should be that the parent is in charge of choices, and they can give the child the privilege of choice at their discretion. Knowing that the power of choice is in the hands of the parent should keep the child from any confusion about why then get to choose sometimes and not others. If you basically relinquish the right to choose over to the child as a standard practice, and then only occasionally intervene with a “No”, then I think that will exasperate the child (and you, because the child will not accept your authority as a matter of course.)
Oh my word…I am so sorry for my monster-length comment. I was really excited after reading that chapter, and I guess I just kind of spewed my excitement all over your blog! Feel free to moderate my comment if you think it’s too obnoxious. I really do think the book had a lot of great things to say, but I may have gotten a little carried away in my exuberance!
Sarah –
Your comment got lost in my inbox; sorry it took me so long to reply. 🙂 I clicked it, saw how lengthy it was and knew I would not have the time to dedicate to such a worthy read, and marked it as unread so I could come back to it later.
Uh huh. 🙂 Life got away from me, I guess.
You raise some good points about accepting authority. I understand where you and the author of that book are coming from.
The only thing I want to bring up is the differences in children. My Olivia has just been ingrained with a strong sense of knowing what she wants. Taking away all choices (because, using the authors description, I would have to say, she IS addicted to choice) would absolutely devastate her. If there is no reason (I don’t CARE what she wears as long as it’s seasonally appropriate), then why ruin her day?
There are times (when I’m in a hurry and don’t give her the option to buckle her own seatbelt) that she throws a fit at the revoking of her freedoms. But the more I hold firm, the better it goes. If I start to say, “No, Mommy has to buckle you in” and then give in after she throws a fit, she’ll expect that everytime. So what I have to make sure I do for both our sanities, is to hold to what I say when I DO make the decision for her. I think that matters more than *how many* choices she has – that when she *doesn’t* have the choice, no amount of screaming will change that fact.
What do you think?
Am I as coherent as I sound in my head? It’s after my bedtime!