It would appear that, for this family, the concept of sharing just might be the hardest thing learned, ever.
Josh and I have a pretty good grip on it, I think.
But the children? Oi.
For those of you visiting from Rocks In My Dryer, I have a 2.5 year old and a 9 month old. The toddler (Olivia) is very possessive about certain toys. Namely, her family of dolls and the small square Duplo blocks. If Benjamin (the baby) even looks in the general direction of said toys, her screams could wake the dead.
But, you see, Benjamin’s favorite toys? his main purpose for life? his one and only joy on this earth? happens to be whatever Olivia is holding in her hand.
There is a lot of screaming. And crying. And pushing.
It would appear we neglected to tell Olivia that, really, those dolls and those blocks belong to Jesus. And He’s just letting her borrow them until she gets her own heavenly mansion constructed entirely out of small square Duplo blocks.
Or will she have to share that, too? I wonder.
Back to our earthly ponderings.
What do you recommend to remedy this rough riddle?
Should I start over at square one and explain that none of the toys she has accumulated in the past two and a half years are really hers? I did already start to explain this, but not to that extent. I told her they were “Family Toys.” I thought going from “Her Toys” to “God’s Toys” was a bit too huge (and abstract) of a leap. But was I wrong to cower from the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God? Just how much philosophy can a 2.5 year old grasp, anyway?
Besides explaining that possessions are not ours to keep, what practical advice would you give? What rules would you suggest?
Here are some that we thought up:
- Thou shalt not taketh a toy from thy brother’s hand.
- Thou shalt not taketh a toy from thy sister’s hand.
- Thou shalt not throweth a fit when thy brother (or sister) takeths a toy that IS NOT in thy hand.
We tell our boys that actually the toys belong to us (my hubby and I). We are nice enough let them play with them and if they can’t share them nicely, we will take the toy away. Now all we have to say is “whose toy is it” and they stop the bickering.
I have just started taking any toy that is causing an issue and putting it in lock up for the rest of the day. It helps that my boys are not too terribly possessive. My youngest loves to do the take whatever big brother is playing with. The fun is ruined when the toy is gone.
Good luck. I have weathered many sharing battles. I still am. With more sure to come. First, sharing is still a very hard concept, even at 2.5 years old. When we have a real problem with a toy, I take it away from everyone for a while. Also, and this might not work with your values, but I do allow each of my children to have a couple of toys that they do not have to share. They might have to put the toy away until the younger child is sleeping or something, but they do not have to share it. Constant repitition regarding the idea of sharing and how it works is really the only way to work through this. Plus, waiting for them both to be a little older. I know it seems eternal, but this time will pass (I have 4 currently, from age 6-2). Good luck again!
My twins are 4 and we had this problem big time a year or so ago. We started with the fact that we all have certain material possessions that we usually aren’t required to share with anyone. So, we gave each twin a small basket for toys that they absolutely didn’t have to share. Ever. We put those toys away during play dates, so we didn’t have to deal with not sharing with visitors.
When it’s just the girls, and they are fighting over a toy that is someone else’s we say, “That is Mary TuTu’s, she doesn’t have to share it if she doesn’t want to.” If they are fighting over a “family toy” we make them share and if they don’t feel like sharing right then, they can go play with their “own” basket of toys. If the fighting still continues, we put the toy in time out and redirect them.
We also give them the option of asking the sister to share her “own” toys, and teach them the appropriate way to ask permission to borrow the toy. Most of the time the sister is more than willing to allow you to play with “her” toy if you ask nicely. If the sister says no to the request, we always answer, “It’s her toy, she doesn’t have to share.”
When my oldest was getting used to having two little sisters around getting in to his stuff. We encouraged him to pick up one of the girls’ toys, play with it for a minute, and then spend some time showing the girls how to play with it. This seemed to help the little ones feel like they were getting in on what the older one is doing. After all, the feeling behind your baby taking the toys from your older one is probably that he wants to do everything the older sister is doing.
It was a long, nerve-wracking road, that we really had to be consistent and respectful about, but now at ages 7 and 4 we usually don’t have to intervene often and the kids sort out their sharing differences on their own.
Hmmmm.
I may completely irritate you with my suggestion! But I have a completely different approach.
With eight kids, we really work on the “personal property” issue. Our kids DO have their OWN stuff. They are responsible to keep it out of the areas where the toddler and baby play, and if they don’t, it’s fair game.
I believe STRONGLY that we don’t just share and share alike. Yes, we encourage generosity (my sharing my property with someone else), and if they chose to share we praise that. But I wouldn’t come into your house and take something for my own. And I hope you wouldn’t do that to me!
Now, not everything we have belongs to a specific child. We do have “family toys”. But I also let them have some things that are theirs. This encourages them to take care of them and be responsible.
So – not to be difficult! But you might think of the adult character that you are trying to encourage. It’s not selfish to have things that belong to you. We all do. And we are free to share them at our discrection. But that’s different than everything belonging to everyone (which, by the way is socialism at it’s finest!).
Just something to think about. And at the young ages of your children, more something to work towards as they get older. But I think it would be perfectly appropriate to let her have her own toys, and give her the opportunity to share them and be praised for it. And then have toys that are family toys that everyone can play with. To make the point, you could also have “baby’s toys” that she had to leave alone. Then she would understand the difference.
Food for thought.
It probably doesn’t feel like it, but this phase will pass. You sound like such a loving and caring mom, and I’m sure your kids will (eventually) copy you. Having small children is the toughest job on the planet!
My kids are 3.5 and 15 months so we’re ahead of you by a bit. It WILL get easier. It’seasier for my oldest to share than it was a year ago. Now she feels some pride in sharing because it makes her feel like she’s “helping”.
Not to say we don’t have our sharing issues. Here’s what works for us: Each child has a couple things that belong to them (their blankies, certain books for my oldest etc.). They are not required to share these items. All the rest of the toys and books are fair game. And if I see the oldest deliberately keeping something from her sister we just put it away for a while.
Another note: I notice my oldest gets frustrated because the baby tries to mess with stuff she’s working on like puzzles etc. I try to be sensitive to this & help her get moved somewhere where the baby can’t destroy her “work” as she calls it.
Good Luck!
My kids are 4 and 18 months, and we have the same problem. I’m starting to remind the 4 year-old that if she doesn’t want her baby brother to play with her XYZ, then she needs to make sure it’s put away, not out where he can get it. If she leaves it out, she has to share it. And if they fight over something, the toy sometimes goes into time-out (not the kid, the toy) in the garage for the rest of the day.
great comments above. i will only mention a few ideas: maybe since sharing is such a hard concept at this age to truly grasp – tho very important to model and speak of — try TRADING. we have three girls under 5 — and we don’t allow them to take toys, but all the toys belong to ALL of our family, and they were given to us from God. We also say, “this toy is YOURS to SHARE.” We also use a timer that beeps — if the girls are having a hard time sharing a certain item — we give them 2-4 minute increments where they can play with a certain toy, and then they need to joyfully share it with their sister, or else we put the toy away for awhile. Also, if either sister needs some time alone — that is fine. I sometimes allow them to take a few toys that they want to play with, and go into my room or play up on my bed so that baby sister can’t “mess it up” 🙂 Great job tho — I think that even tho your ideals may not be mainstream — they will take root, and yield incredible fruit in your kids lives.
When I was growing up, we had the toys that were ours that we didn’t have to share. As we got older, toys that were specifically given to us for our birthdays/Christmas, or toys that were bought with our own money (we got a weekly allowance starting at age 6) were generally “off-limits”. My mom tried to instill in us to be generous, and let our siblings use those toys, but she wouldn’t “make” us share them. Perhaps there were times she took the toy away – I could see my mom doing that, but I don’t remember specifically. (I know this is probably not helpful. :-))
By the way, I read a blog post once that talked about something you might want to consider doing with Olivia: http://untanglingtales.com/?p=196
We mix functional and for-the-future thinking, depending on our level of maturity at the moment. ;o)
We go with the possession-is-9/10ths-of-the-law unless it is a “special” toy (each child gets one to three, depending on the time of year) mentioned in the post Ashley linked in the post above, or the item is so desirable there is wigging-out involved.
In this latter situation the child not-in-possession may ask for a timer. Nothing happens until they stop screaming/ moaning/ complaining and ask.
Our older two (almost-5 and 3-1/2) have had this internalized for, golly, almost 2 years. They aren’t always calm, but 4 times out of 5 a timer going off will transition a smooth (if reluctant) transition.
For your ages I’d suggest starting with making Olivia wait on a timer (2-minute turns in real-life, shorter ones if you’re just teaching her the concept) over grabbing things, and for the other side explaining she only can complain about Benj “admiring” what she’s actually using.
Work on substitution and distraction with your 9-month old, and introduce taking turns and the timer concept as he approaches 1-1/2.
I’m not an EC person, that’s just about the time these things clicked for my kids.
I think that letting others play with what you’re not using can teach a more-relaxed approach to *things.* For our kids it helps fight (though hasn’t yet totally eliminated) the stockpiling mentality.
I think, too, if you can practice sounding like a broken record that actually is effective at this age, because, for now, it’s repetition that establishes the way things are.
I am going to agree with the 1st Nicole’s comments. Our DS and DD are 19 mos apart and when they argue over a toy, neither one gets to play with it. I don’t lock it up, I place it in plain view so they both can think about the fight. We DO tell them we are supposed to share, etc. We also allow them each toys they don’t have to share. I think in children there is a sense of security in familiar toys that we can’t really understand. As long as their particular toy isn’t brought out and used to taunt their sibling, all is well. If it comes into a common area, it is fair game.
Wow, look at all the advice! Thank you all for telling me what works for you.
I do like the idea of having toys that are not family toys, but I don’t think we will implement that until they are older. Right now they both play with the same type of toys and I’m not getting a Fisher Price barn for each of them! Neither have ever expressed interest in security items, or I’m sure that would an exception to the “Family Toys” rule.
The main reason I still think our best option is to have community toys is because we live in a two bedroom apartment. Yes, Olivia has her own room, but that’s just because Benjamin sleeps with us. *All* the toys are in her room. There is nowhere else to put them! It would be impossible to differentiate between “His Toys” and “Her Toys” right now. Olivia’s bedroom *is* the common area.
I really like the idea of setting a timer when Olivia wants something someone else has. I also like the concept of putting problem toys in time out.
Most of all, though, I appreciate the fact that *everyone* goes through this. Thank you for sharing so I know I am not alone!
Your children are not sharing because they are TOO YOUNG to understand the concept! They are perfectly, 100% normal. A child must understand the concept of ‘mine,’ before she can grasp sharing. However, that’s not to say you sit back and let the not sharing just continue. Your best bet is to really gush over it when Olivia and Benjamin play nicely. I work in a pediatric office and there is a woman I hear tell her 2-year-old daughter very gently, “sharing is caring.” It is so cute to see little Madeline interact with other kids. Still, I agree with those here who say that some things truly must be personal property by which the ‘owner’ has total rights. Knowing something is yours also teaches you to respect that others have things that are ‘theirs.’ I would tell your daughter ‘don’t worry. We know the dolls and the blocks are your special toys. Your brother just wants to see them, that’s all. If he takes one, I’ll make sure he’s careful and he gives it back.”
It will take time. It will take a little growing up. But pushing the sharing thing too hard is not a good idea at this age. Be as gentle as you can about it. (On the other hand, I’d make a toy disappear pretty fast if I had to put up with that screaming. My daughter was a screamer. Ugh!) And remember your good example is going to have more influence than anything.
Hang in there. One day they will be in their twenties, and get along famously–like my kids do! (They range from 17-25, but boy, do I remember those younger days!)
Do you mind if I say 2 more things after that long comment? First, look at it from Olivia’s POV. If your irresponsible cousin asks to borrow your car because his was impounded, do you let him have it? I hope not! Maybe in her little head, Olivia thinks that Ben will hurt her toy. Maybe she is ‘protecting’ it, LOL!
The second thing, and it’s probably a silly question…can I assume the ‘small’ duplo blocks are actually pretty big? The idea of a 9-month-old near small blocks scares me.
Okay, I lied. I have 3 things to say. Does Ben take a different nap than Olivia? Could you have a little basket specially for Olivia that only comes out when Ben is sleeping?
I love all the comments that say “Don’t force it, it’s a developmental milestone.”
I’m a Christian too, and a mom of 4, the oldest is almost 10, and I never force sharing. Ever. Ever!
And yes I believe in self sacrifice, etc.
But I don’t believe in forcing anyone to share, especially when they are too young to understand that they will get their stuff back. God doesn’t expect this of your toddler.
Relax……
I think the whole sharing issue is really distorted, so I’m glad to see some others saying it too. I do think children need to learn how to share, even at an early age (but not 12 months old), but the way it’s normally gone about is just plain odd. I don’t have children yet (due this summer, though), but I’ve babysat approximately a zillion kids and been a nursery coordinator for my former church’s nursery. This is usually how “sharing” is taught, by my observance, not my practice:
Child #1 (usually way to young to understand what this is all about) is happily playing with a toy. Child #2 comes up and grabs away the toy and walks/crawls away. Child #1 starts crying. Nursery worker or mother says to child #1, “don’t get mad; you need to learn how to share.”
BEGIN RANT: Aaaaahhhh! That drives me nuts! Hello! Tell child #2 HE needs to learn how to share, not grab or steal other toys, etc. Why is it always the first child who is blamed? It drives me nuts! I’ve found it way more effective, once a child is old enough to understand basic concepts of time (even just the concept of “in just a little bit”), to give the toy back to child #1, admonish child #2 for taking it (rotten thief, hehe), and then explain to both the children that they’re going to have to take turns, and that child #1 still has a little bit of time left in his turn, but in just a little bit I’m going to ask child #1 to let child #2 have a turn. That seems like better justice to me.
I’m done ranting. And sorry to hear about the mess you have to deal with tonight. I will pray for you.