I believe co-sleeping is the best sleeping arrangement for a nursing mother and newborn baby. Mother gets more sleep and therefore is able to operate at a higher-functioning level the following day. Baby gets all the milk he needs during the night, along with the comfort and security that the womb used to offer. He spent nine months in a climate-controlled safety bubble, being fed through a tube while floating in warmth and security. Imagine the shock of sleeping on a hard crib mattress far from human warmth his first night out. No wonder babies cry so much.
Benefits of co-sleeping in bulleted format:
- Babies sleep better. (Ahem, see above.)
- Mothers sleep better. (My pediatrician tried to convince me this wasn’t true. I allowed my eyes to glaze over at that point. He probably mistook that for sleep-deprivation.)
- Breastfeeding is easier. (And how! I did the get-out-of-bed-to-nurse with Olivia. Never again. Why wake up entirely when you can simply roll over to switch sides?)
- Mother and child become more connected.
- Babies thrive better. (Physically, emotionally, intellectually. I’ve read this from Dr. Sears and so far can’t argue…)
- Reduces the risk of SIDS (I can hear you all gasping now. Read on for more.)
I believe that the SIDS risks associated with co-sleeping do not apply to the majority of the population. Over-weight, sleep-aid-using, alcohol-abusing, smoking parents should not co-sleep. Waterbeds are a no-no. The firmer the mattress the better. Eliminate extra bedding and pillows. Find a sleeping position that works for you and keeps baby safe. I sleep on my side with my arm under the pillow, supporting my head. The arm on top is curved around behind my back and tucked under my lower back. It took a couple years, but I’ve found this position keeps me at the right angle comfortably so I can completely relax while nursing and co-sleeping. I have co-slept with two children for one year each (and counting) and I have yet to roll over on my baby.
(I have had a baby roll off the bed a couple times, so I would recommend a railing for the side of the bed, or push the crib up next to the bed with the side removed.)
Even more astounding were the studies done in countries where co-sleeping is the norm. In Japan, for example, the rate of SIDS is 1/10 of what the rate is in the U.S. Research shows that babies who sleep in cribs are twice as likely to suffer from sleep-related deaths than those who sleep with their parents. (More on debunking the supposed SIDS risks here.)
That being said, I believe that co-sleeping only works as long as all involved are in favor of it. As soon as one parent is at odds with the other, or one (or both) parent(s) are at odds with the child, something needs to be done to fix the estranged relationships. As soon as the child stops sleeping as well, or turns sideways and starts kicking Daddy in the teeth, something should change.
That “something” doesn’t have to be “put baby in crib.” Maybe one of the parents needs to read more about the benefits of co-sleeping to be convinced. Maybe the baby needs more room in a co-sleeper. Maybe something can be done during the day to help baby sleep better at night. Or, maybe baby needs his own space entirely.
Now for the hard part: How to get the baby out of your bed.
When we moved Olivia to her crib, she was one year old. She was waking every other hour in our bed and spinning around in circles, keeping everyone awake. When the time came, we put her in her crib and left for five minute intervals, always coming back when our timer went off to reassure her of our love, and then leave again. She was not happy, but within an hour, she was asleep.
Does this mesh with my attachment parenting style? Am I comfortable with how I dealt with this situation? Is this a method I would recommend to other co-sleeping parents?
I want to plead the fifth. I liked the result. We all slept better. So here I go pounding out my Cry-It-Out beliefs:
I believe that a baby should not have to cry it out. I believe that a newborn has needs that are imperative to his health and since he cannot speak them clearly to us, he can only communicate these needs by crying. And so his parents should respond to his crying. As the parent-child relationship grows, parents will learn to differentiate between the different types of cries their child has.
As their child grows from baby to toddler, parents will learn the “hungry” cry from the “hurt” cry from the “mad” cry and should respond appropriately. Anger is not as important as hunger. And hunger is not as important as hurt. A mad cry might be able to wait 5 or so minutes. A hungry cry waiting time depends on the age of the child. A hurt cry should be attended to at once, of course.
So, no, a baby should not be left to cry it out, I believe. But a toddler (which is such a relative term, by the way, so enjoy making the ambiguity work for you), whose cries are correctly translated, does not have to be attended to immediately any longer. So perhaps, when being put in a crib, a toddler should be able to cry a mad cry for 5 or so minutes before being comforted.
We used this theory when we moved Olivia to her crib. She cried a mad cry and we never let more than five minutes go by without reassuring her that a) we still existed and b) we still loved her but c) it is time to go to sleep in the crib now. As mentioned earlier, within an hour, she was able to fall asleep.
(Sidenote: We also made sure Olivia was developmentally ready to sleep on her own. She was old enough to not need the night nursings for nourishment. She appeared to be sleeping fitfully due to lack of sufficient sleeping space. We then came to the conclusion that the best answer for all involved was to try to move her to her own sleeping space.)
If a child is NOT ready to move to her own bed, the following day will be an indicator to you. If your child is more clingy than normal or overly withdrawn then she is suffering from some emotional issues most likely related to the new sleeping arrangement and you might want to rethink the change. In our case, Olivia acted completely normal. And when naptime rolled around, she fussed for less than five minutes before falling asleep. That was our cue that we had done the right thing at the right time.
Benjamin is one year old and still sleeping in our bed. Recently, we have tried encourage him to fall asleep in the crib on his own for naptime, as we did for his sister at the same age. We explained it was time to go “night night” and laid him down. We told him we loved him and then left. Every five minutes I went back to reassure and comfort him. After an hour, he was still awake and still just as upset as he was at the beginning. We made the decision to end Session #1 of Crib Sleeping.
The rest of that day, Benjamin was extraordinarily clingy. He would fall asleep in my arms while nursing, but never let himself get into a deep sleep. He always kept himself conscious enough to sense when he was being put down and he would grab the collar to my shirt as soon as I moved. That night, he slept fitfully. He nursed every other hour if not more. It seemed if he woke up and wasn’t touching me he would wake with a start and search for me frightfully.
That was our cue that we had done the right thing… at the wrong time. For the wrong child. Or the wrong thing for the right child at the wrong time. Whichever.
We took a break for a week and tried again. Remembering the side effects of last time, I could only leave him in for 30 minutes, going in every 5-10 minutes to reassure him. His cry was still very mad and I retrieved him after 30 minutes, not wanting to repeat the previous emotional trauma. He was unaffected the rest of the day. We tried again the next day. He cried again, very angrily, and refused to go to sleep.
Apparently, what works for one child does not work for another. I knew that. But it doesn’t make it any less frustrating. (I know: appreciate the differences…)
So if you label the above method “Cry It Out,” then I believe that if you are astute to your child’s temperament, needs, and cries, you may be able to use that method to get your child to sleep in her own crib. If her personality permits it.
If not? I wish I could give you answers. Here are some sites and books that I am looking into for my own answers:
Feel free to tell me your own advice and experiences. I am just soaking up all advice right now. What works for you?
Speaking of what works for you… did you write a What I Believe post, as well? If so, add your permalink and brief description to Mr. Linky below. Make sure to link to your post and NOT your homepage or your WIB post will be lost in the archives in days and weeks to come.
I’m glad that co-sleeping works so well for you. Never worked in this house, though.
Of course, we have a full-size bed and can’t afford a new one. I also have a mini-crib that’s bed-height so I keep the baby in with us for six weeks or so to facilitate night feedings. But frankly, I sleep MUCH better on the nights when I put the baby back in the crib after nursing than if we nurse through the night. He seems to need his own space, and so do I.
A well thought out post. I do have an opinion. As a mother of two boys I do believe that they are much more demanding of the closeness of the mother-child relationship.
They don’t like to make a break form what has become a routine and will fight you more. And it makes them unbeliveably ANGRY if you try to change this routine.
I do belive it is still important to be understanding of their feelings, however if you know the end result will benifit them, letting them cry it out WILL NOT HURT THEM!!
They may be more clingy for a day or two. This is because you dared to change something they liked. How ever the longer you give in to them, the change will be much harder and more stressfull.
As a mother of 13 and 9 year old boys, I like to think I have made the best choices for my boys and my family. My boys are independent and confident in themselves. They have enough confidence to dare challange things they don’t like or agree with but can still come to Mom for thier hurts, emotional or physical.
As parents we all make the best choices we can for our children and families. What works for me may not work for you. This is what worked for my boys.
Co-sleeping… hmmm…. I really think this is SUCH an individual decision. It is something that just never worked for me. I am someone that is bit odd (?) in the middle of the the night, particularly with sleep deprivation.
After having babies, I can say for sure that my bizarreness at night only gets more bizarre. Even if I fell asleep with my baby on my chest or in my arms, I would wake up in a panic, not knowing where he or she was. When my daughter (my second) was born, I would wake up, look at her, and be almost panicky because I was confused as to whether she was a girl or a boy. I certainly never slept better with them in bed with me!
My solution was to put my kids to sleep in their car seat next to me. This was actually suggested to me by my doctor as a attempt to alleviate discomfort due to acid reflux. Both my kids slept amazingly well in their carseats. It was convenient because they were right there next to me (the carseat was on the floor). My son started sleeping through the night by six weeks old and my daughter by eight weeks. Once they were sleeping through the night, they were moved to their cribs, and I never had to go through the problem of getting them to sleep in their cribs. Now… getting them to stay in the BEDS… that was a different story. 😉
I want to say we are totally on the same page! Forgive me for making such a long comment, but here is my story.
I read all the books when I got pregnant and after was no different. I read a lot of breastfeeding promoting authors as well as Attachment Parenting books. I liked the message and was prepared to give my baby the best start in life. She was a fairly easy baby. Slept, nursed well, but around 6 months the night wakings became frequent.
At that time we became part time co-sleepers. After obtaining a king sized bed the space issues we had with co-sleeping were resolved, but the night wakings continued. She was still fine in the day so I decided it was normal. I went to LLL meetings monthly to commiserate with other exhausted moms.
At some point after she turned a year old her sleep habits took a turn for the worst. I was always able to nurse her to sleep and most of the time I could then transfer her to her bed for naps. Although I would have loved to rock her indefinitely, I work from home part time and needed to work while she napped. It gradually got to the point where I had to wait a grueling 10-15 minutes before I could move her and at its worst I was unable to move her at all without her waking.
She also was not tending to fall asleep nursing any longer and it was getting more and more difficult to encourage her to sleep. She had never been left alone to do so as I believed that all the books I had read agreed that it was ok not to do this. Well I hit rock bottom when she refused to take any naps and was clearly exhausted. I got a new book from the library, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Mark Weissbluth. He was in the “cry it out” camp with Dr. Ferber but I had read a review that said he wanted you to be in tune with your child in a Sear’s way. So I read the book. I couldn’t believe the points he made, the facts and case studies. It was amazing. My poor child was so overtired that she was unable to cope (funny, so was I!)
The book suggested methods for all ages so I found the one for her and got started. I won’t lie and say it was easy to let her cry, but after I knew she was fed, changed and not in pain, I left her alone, knowing how truly exhausted she was. For her the method of going in every 5 minutes didn’t work. It made her even more upset, so we left her alone and at night it didn’t take long for her to fall into a routine. I won’t bore you with all the details. After about 3 nights she started sleeping 7 to 7. It took another grueling month to get the naps to really come together. And a lot of times I wanted to throw in the towel, but since Feb (she was a yr in Jan) she has been taking 2 naps (one at 9 and one at 1) for about 3 hrs combined. It’s amazing. At almost 16 mos she is still keeping this schedule. I’m sure in a month it will all change, but for now I know she is well rested. We still nurse when she wants to and in the mornings we have time in mommy and daddy’s bed to nurse and hang out.
I owe my wonderful nights and an ability to work from home during naps to Dr Mark Weissbluth!
sorry…i put the incorrect title in my first linky…the second is correct. great co-sleeping post!
amanda o
I enjoyed your post. I believe wholeheartedly in co-sleeping after pretty much trying everything with my 3. Poor girl #1 was such an experiment. One night in our bed (cause I was so exhausted I didn’t even realize it) and then the next crying it out for 2 hours because that’s what the books said. The books know, right??? Anyway, after prayer I knew in my heart what was right for us and that was COMPASSION. My opinion is that anytime the kid is “clingy” they need more not less. More holding, more reassurance–24 hours a day holding if necessary. My kids transitioned to a bed (the girls share so can snuggle each other) easier than any of the crib babies in our circle of influence. The crib babies seemed to have just as much fear and anxiety as they did when they were crying babies. It just continues if those deep needs are not met. That is natural. A baby would be poorly suited for this world if they did not scream out for companionship. Do they need to learn independence? That’ll really help them out as a 6 week old when they go to the kitchen and fix a sandwich. I think it is very natural that children (especially super smart ones) make their desire to be with other humans known. It’s about survival! Okay, this is a long enough rant I really ought to go write my post.
Agree with “compassion.”
Also agree that you & your spouse HAVE to come to an agreement on this. I know some couples where dad spends days, weeks, or years sleeping in another room because of the baby. If that works for you & everyone is happy with it, ok. I am lucky to have a spouse who sleeps through all but the most prolonged night wakings. 😉
My 18 month old, now that his molars are in, has just started to naturally go longer between night wakings. We still cosleep & nurse. I have a crib mattress pushed up next to ours & sometimes we do naps there, and we have tried on occasion to do bedtime there, but he wakes up much more often.
I think you can either wait until the child is ready to sleep on his own (age 3 or so is the earliest I’ve heard of this happening) or you can force it to happen earlier, via one of the methods everyone else has mentioned. We have a space where he can sleep alone if he wishes, and when he’s ready, he will.
We do seem to pressure our children to grow up & be independent so soon on some things. I’m ok with letting a baby be a baby, a toddler be a toddler, etc. They will grow up soon enough!
We coslept for a while. I actually wanted to move him to a crib (I was afraid I’d roll over on him, so it I was too nervous to sleep well) but Hubby kept bringing the baby back to our bed.
Even now, we sometimes cosleep. If there’s a rough night with teething? Or an upset tummy? Or he has another sinus infection? We all sleep on the futon in his room.
When he feels good it doesn’t work anymore because he’s climbing all over the place and pinching/poking/kicking/biting us. He actually will sleep in his crib.
I’ve also continued to let him night nurse. I know at his age he doesn’t need it for sustenance, but I’ve noticed he doesn’t ask for it every night. Only on nights where he’s upset or uncomfortable. Right now we’re having a lot because of the teething. And for a while the terrible daycare situation made him needy of Mommy.
I just think he wants it because he needs me. He needs comfort. And it doesn’t matter if he actually requires it nutritionally. Not everything we as humans require has to do with survival. So much is emotional in life.
And I’ve done CIO to a degree. There are certain things where I will NOT get up and cater to. If he’s bawling because he wants to get down to play at 2am and he’s stuck in his crib, that’s too bad. He can cry. If he’s hysterical to the degree that 45 minutes of efforts to calm him have done absolutely nothing, I’ll put him back because I’m obviously not able to help him and I do need sleep too (I have to be up at 4). But if he sounds like he’s in pain, discomfort, hungry, scared, or just wants to be held because sometimes you just need that???? I’m happy to get up.
I have really enjoyed reading your blog. This was a great post, I really like reading your “what I believe” posts. I had to laugh when you said you have had some children “fall out of the bed” This has happened to us several times as well and of course baby is always fine, just a little shaken up.
I am also glad to see another mom who is ok with CIO in certain circumstances . We finally had to do this with our oldest who was 14mo at the time. He was getting up every few hours to nurse, I was preggo with #2 and it was just too much for me! We did CIO our way and it worked and we were all much happier and not sleep deprived!
I’m not sure I can agree with your explanation of co-sleeping as entirely beneficial. While I understand there are situations that call for extra attention and care (ie. baby or toddler is sick) it’s sounds as though it is a very personal decision. Your post incited a discussion between my husband and myself and we agreed that co-sleeping is certainly not an option for us. As for crying it out, I’m not sure why some moms’ seem to have such a problem with it. At some point your child will communicate displeasure with your decisions by crying or telling you when they learn to talk. It’s just unavoidable. But I’m glad you are satisfied with your methods and feel you are doing what’s best for your children. In all the uncertainty of parenting, it’s nice to feel sure about something.
I have no idea where I stand on this, but I tend towards being against co-sleeping. For one, I’m a very restless sleeper. I can’t stand to have my cats touching me unless I’m already asleep. I don’t even like cuddling with my husband in bed. (“Just give me my SPACE!”) I had SUCH a hard time sleeping the first 6 months of marriage just because I couldn’t get used to another body in the bed. I toss and turn a lot in my sleep. That being said, I’m not ruling out co-sleeping as an option if it does work out best for us. I’m willing to give it a shot, but I probably would try the other way first.
Great post. I agree that it’s important to be respectful of each child’s and each parent’s needs.
My son coslept for 6months and then we started transitioning him to his bed for more of the night. He sleeps better alone and I sure do too.
For the record there have been studies done that prove that children who are left to cry alone for long periods of time go into a fight-or-flight state. Their blood pressure rises and they are pumped with adrenaline. Personally, letting my son fuss/cry for 10mins or so was all I was comfortable with when he was a baby.
I’m a fan of co-sleeping and am in the same boat with my one year old. We are trying the methods you’ve mentioned and tonight he went down after about 10 minutes of fussing…but what do you do when they wake up in the middle of the night for nursing…he does not sleep through the night yet…I’m pretty sure I read somewhere you continue the same pattern….what exhausting work. I’ve read the No Cry Solution and have tried to get my son to stop associating sleep with the breast..yeah right…lol!! We’re trying to wean him also…
I think we were separated at birth. lol 🙂
Thanks for this great post! I have an almost-7-month-old boy and I’ve been reading your blog for a couple months now. At first, I didn’t feel like we had much in common as I was trying to follow a somewhat Babywise schedule, but it just did not work for us. I realized that the time that they are little is just so short, and it’s not worth stressing whether they sleep through the night right away or not.
So lately, I have totally relaxed and we are part-time cosleepers now. 🙂 I put him in his crib for all 3 naps a day, and then I put him down there at night, but he always ends up in our bed at some point through the night.
It is nice to hear your thoughts on this and to hear some positive feedback on these two things!
Thanks so much for the help, I’ve been having a heck of time figuring out how to sleep better and your wonderful site has helped me so much. God Bless 🙂
When we become parents, my husband and I plan to co-sleep in a queen (or hopefully) king size bed, probably with the family bed cosleeper (seems more comfortable than a rail and more space-efficient than a arm’s reach cosleeper).
Here’s a photo of that: http://www.beanproducts.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=001&Product_Code=10HPH&Category_Code=MaternityProducts
Anyway, what I can’t figure out is what to do with the baby during his or her naps. I’m sort of hoping to avoid a crib as it’s likely we’ll be moving 1-2 times before the baby turns 16 months, one of these being across the country. I’m actually considering just getting a normal twin or full mattress and putting it on the floor with no pillows, at least until the baby can crawl away and get into trouble. Any ideas or suggestions are appreciated…as you can probably tell, I don’t have kids yet – so I don’t quite understand all the logistics/concerns. Thanks!
Thank you for your wonderful post! It has been extremely useful. I wish that you will continue posting your wisdom with us.
Awesome post. Thanks for sharing
Well I really am not comfortable sleeping with the kids they seriously bed hog lol even the baby. So to each their own. I keep baby close move him when i need to…… Nonetheless none of the opinions matter Thier your children raise em how you want studies or no studies. Just remember this have em only if u love and want them and remember their only babies once. Enjoy the time u have…… Anything can happen life is very short n well i love snuggling baby. Then they get too big and really hog the bed. I have been kicked outbefore by the kids n husband man that pissed me off now my beds my territory. I love my space it’s vert comfortable. 🙂
Oh btw whats…..sleep? Lol parents don’t get that luxury. But I enjoy being parent the fullest ….. And oh not vert but very comfortable. Typo.
Sleeping is out of the question when you become a mother. After I was giving birth to my son, I can’t sleep. I always stare at him when he is sleeping and crying mode. I always smile at him whatever he moves.
I am a fan of co-sleeping. I didn’t really plan on ever co-sleeping with my daughter (I would just like to state that I was neither for or against it, but the SIDS ads did put a good scare into me), it was a natural thing that kind of just ‘happened’.
Since we brought her home from the hospital, at night when we would try to lay her down in the bassinet beside our bed, she would wake up almost instantly. It just wasn’t working out for us. Unlike the advice of others, I just couldn’t let her cry it out. I’ve learned to listen to my gut feelings…and they have never steered me wrong.
The night that I brought her into our bed for us was one of the best parenting decisions I have made thus far. I was never one of those sleep-deprived moms, and I was grateful for the energy a good night’s rest was able to give me. Plus, I just loved sleeping with her, what can I say, it was just a good feeling having her close to me at night. Mike was completely fine with it too, and shared similar feelings. I once asked him, “When should we move her out?” His reply: “I don’t care how long she sleeps with us, whenever she is ready to move out I guess”. One of the many reasons I am so happy that he is the father of my child.
Unfortunately, not everyone else felt this way. My parents and grandparents thought it was going to kill the baby. My doctor also gave me quite the lecture. I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut around certain people.
She is 7 months old at the moment, and so far so good. I admit that I do have to lay down with her every night to get her to fall asleep initially, but as soon as she is asleep, I am able to leave the room and join the adult world. I would like to add that we have a kind of gate contraption that attaches to the side of the bed, that prevents her from rolling off the bed, as well as baby-monitors. Our bedroom is right off our living room, so the chances of her getting hurt are slim to none. We have a king sized bed as well, which I would suggest to anyone who plans on co-sleeping with their child. It is worth the money- for safety and for just plain comfort!
I first learned about the attachment theory in a college psych class, and since then have researched into it extensively. I’ve given lectures and the sort, hoping to spread the education.
Although I am not able to get away from using luv’s or daycare a couple days of the week, I still feel strongly attached to Charley. Co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding…those are the decisions I know I will never look back on in regret.
I suggest a king size bed…you will not regret it! As for naps, I’ve really only had luck putting her in the bed when we are at home. I’ve tried getting her used to the crib for naps during the daytime, but no luck. She would only sleep for about twenty minutes, which doesn’t make for a very happy baby by the end of the day. My solution was to go out an by one of those attachments that hook on to the side of the bed, and acts as a gate. She is pretty mobile now, so that and a baby monitor solved that problem for us! Every baby is different, you may have a completely different experience than I did. Good luck!
hi. i have 7 mo baby and i do co sleep with her since she was born. but now she getting more demanding on me,i cant even go to toilet without her. i try to let her sleep in her crib and wait beside her,but it never really work. she can sleep only by my side on our bed.but this lately she keep woke up everytime we moved and in day shes exhausted.
i never agree with cio method,but i want to give last try,at least for nap. so this 2 days i try it.after feed, bath her .and nursing her, i put her in the crib and let her cry. at the 1st day she cry on off 1,5 hour and after clingy so much on me. and the night she doesnt sleep well. today the 2nd day, she cry 30 minutes and sleep,but still clingy so much. now i try at night sleep and she cry on off few minutes only and keep fallasleep.
my question is,did i do right thing in right time?because she is so clingy in daylight.what should i do best to make her play and sleep alone? i need to work at least when she take her nap.
thank you