I feel as though my posts are merely updates, pictures, and recipes. I can’t remember the last time I wrote a very meaningful post on here.
And this is because I have slowly but surely lost control of my day.
I felt as though I was on a roll when Benjamin was 7-8 months old. He was napping regularly and I could depend on those times to accomplish many a thing. I would have high ambitions for things like scrubbing bathrooms, or dusting. Or even unloading the dishwasher BEFORE supper dishes crowded the kitchen counter. Or how about this one: folding laundry. Before the day was done even. It was more normal than not that I wouldn’t let a day go by without completing that day’s laundry.
But I’ve lost control. It has slipped from my grasp like… like… like a baby fresh from the bathtub intent on streaking through the house.
It’s because when Benjamin was 9-10 months old, I agreed to watch a friend’s child. He’s only three months older than Benjamin, so I really do feel as though I suddenly and belatedly became the mother of twins. Except one of them cried at the sight of me for the first four months I watched him.
He doesn’t cry at the sight of me anymore, but he will still cry at the drop of a hat. Like if anyone touches him. Or makes a move towards him as if they had the intention of touching him. Or if I leave the room. I can’t go to the bathroom, change a diaper, clean a mess, or make lunch without having him follow me into that room and scream at me. And nothing stresses me out more than having someone scream at me while I’m doing them a favor (like fix them lunch.) I mean, I knew motherhood could be a thankless job, but babysitting really is a few miles below that.
Anyway. All that to say. Nothing gets done anymore. Even on a good day. A day where he’s in a rare, happy, content mood. Even on a day when I don’t watch him. I’m just not in the habit of being productive anymore. And he’s not even here all day. Monday, Wednesday, Friday, he’s here from 9-12 and 3:30-5:30. His mom insists on taking him home to nap. On Tuesdays, I just watch him from 9-12. I use any and all free time to sit. And breathe. And enjoy the silence. And the lack of being needed.
And I can’t even pretend to blame the boy I watch for all my stresses and worries. Because, have I mentioned the Benjamin likes to climb? That keeps a momma busy. And Olivia refuses to potty train? That’s THREE in diapers. Oh, some days she’s willing to try, but that makes more work. Underwear is harder to clean out than a diaper. And then I have to changer her whole outfit. Oh, who am I kidding? She goes pants-less.
And then there was that House Hobby we had for a bit when we were searching and scouring and comparing and calling and driving and calling and looking and calling and talking and calling and financing. And calling. That was time-consuming.
So I feel compelled to explain to you the absence of any post of real depth around here lately.
I get the bare essentials done everyday. I wash a load, hang a load, take a load off the line. I clear breakfast dishes (Josh feeds them!), make lunch, feed them lunch, clear lunch dishes. I used to make bread every other day – now the fam’s lucky if they get it twice a week. I used to vacuum every day (especially that durn carpeted dining room that feeds THREE under three now), now I prefer not to walk barefoot in that general area. Because it reminds me of how little I actually accomplish anymore.
I used to have little homeschooling moments with Olivia during Benjamin’s morning nap, but I had to wean him from his morning nap because The Boy I Watch (henceforth to be referred to as TBIW) is too demanding to let me put my own child to sleep. So I’ve started keeping her up from her nap a bit longer after Benjamin goes down for his in the afternoon. Which results in naptime shifts. Benjamin takes the first, Olivia takes the second, and then before you know it, TBIW is here again and I need to start thinking about supper.
Yes, I want kids. Yes, I want a lot of kids. Yes, I want them close together. So, yes, I will have to learn to deal with this. I just thought I had more time. And I’m just wallowing in self-pity that my two-child days are over now. Before I really even got a good grasp on them. Now I have to adjust to three.
(And my pattern generally is this: It takes about 8-9 months to get used to the additional child. Yep, I’m a slow learner.)
Even though you feel a bit out of control right now, I want to thank you for this post.
I’m preggo with my first baby, and I know that come December, my world is going to be turned upside down. It’s actually comforting to know that it’s going to be a little out of control, and that’s ok! Cuz that’s how life is sometimes.
I feel your pain and I only have one 11 month old and I’m not watching any extra kids and I’m in the same boat as you 🙁 Ah, we did sign up for this didn’t we?!
Have a great day, your kids are super cute!
Sing it, sister. That sounds like my tune. I NEVER. get. ANYTHING. done.
I applaud your bravery (insanity?) for babysitting when you already have 2 so young. I would not be able to do that.
Our worlds are a logistical juggling act. And I drop many balls.
We will attempt the play date and we can be non-productive and looney together!
Oh you’ll get the hang of it. I have 8. four of which were high needs:) and I live to tell about it:)
On the scale of things, it doesn’t matter if you write anything meaningful on your blog if the trade off would be your family’s well-being or your sanity. You’re doing a great job. And having TBYW there is different than having your own child, you’ll do fine with 3 kids. Of your own.
I agree with Joanna, 3 kids of your own will be easier to handle. Olivia will potty train, Benjamin will get back to a nice sleep schedule, the two of the will play together (sometimes) and baby will be baby. you’ll get used to it and then you’ll get preggo again. he he.
For now, chill out. Don’t stress over dishes, laundry or dirty floors. At least your getting the laundry and dishes cleaned so people have clean clothes to wear and clean cups to drink out of. And you cook lunch and supper each day for them. You’re doing good.
And remember, each day gets easier with TBYW. 🙂 I loke you.
hey…don’t feel bad. i only have one and feel overwhelmed some days!
Just wanted to send some support and cheer! I love your blog, “substance” or not! And I love that you shared this post, because I feel this way most of the time. I miss the perfectly clean house I had before kids and how on top of everything I was, but… well… that’s probably just not going to happen again. Not for me, anyway.
Had to de-lurk for this one (love your blog!)… I have three under two (all boys–a 19-month-old and 5-month-old twins) and completely relate to feeling like I’ve lost control. Oh, and they’re high needs/fussy/colicky/whateveryouwanttocallit. And my toddler is rapidly becoming a climber in addition to already being one of those kids who gets into everything!
So I guess you shouldn’t worry about not posting much… I barely have any time to read, anyway! : )
So do you get paid for this other child? I’ve done paid babysitting and when there are problems like this it’s good to question whether you are making enough for the stress on your family (its stresses your children too). Having three of your own, raised your own way will be much different than taking on another child with these issues. Take care of yourself!!!
I wonder… is the little boy like that for his mom? If so, please pass along me deepest sympathy (as well as some for you, too!). My daughter (my second baby) was like that. In fact, she is three and still like that… but at an older-child level. It is was SO draining when she was little (and sometimes still). AND she would only nap 45 minutes and then SCREAM for three hours. It would literally bring me to tears. We most definitely would have have had a third if she had been quite so… needy. 🙂
I’m sorry that you’re going through a tough time – I totally understand, and I just want to encourage you that you will make it through! I tried baby-sitting another kid one day, and it’s sooo hard when you already have two little ones.
This time is temporary, and soon you will be back in another i-can-handle-this time period. Thanks for encouraging all of us with your story; you are amazing!
I am sorry, I can understand craziness 😀
I don’t mean this in a judgmental fashion, but I feel so sad for that little boy who is so sad without his mommy. 🙁 Some things just aren’t worth a career (and again, not judging. For all I know she’s a single mom and has no choice).
I love your blog. I read it and I am jealous of how much you do accomplish. I only have one 3 year old (who also refuses to potty train) and I work full time and I swear I do not get half as much accomplished as you do!
You will find your routine with the new baby and it will work out. The little ones are only little for such a short time. What they are going to remember is not whether the house was spotless but how much time their mom and dad spent with them.
TBYW sounds like he fears being abandoned 🙁 Not that it makes it any easier to listen to the screaming and crying all day. You are much stronger than I am because I probably would have told his mom to find alternate childcare arrangements by now.