Yesterday I had the opportunity to talk with real! live! mothers! Face to face, even! We talked about our little ones’ acheivements, and our life as mothers in general.
And as I bragged on my babies’ devout desire to help me do dishes, and my dream to homeschool, I was taken off my guard by the looks on their faces.
They couldn’t believe that I would let my children help with the dishes. The stress! The broken dishes! The mess!
And: “I would *never* be able to homeschool my children.”
And I’ve been thinking a lot about that today, as I hang laundry with Olivia and as I gave Benjamin a hammer to play with in the garage.
I have made it my goal to be a purposeful mother; I want my mothering to be on purpose. I want to teach them in everything I do. I want them to know as much about the world, both outside and inside the home, as possible.
Having Olivia and Benjamin help me with dishes (at the same time!) is stressful. Yes, a plate will break. Yes, it takes three times as long. But I am teaching my children. And my mantra during these times is: “I am working myself out of a job.” (Repeat. And again.)
I want my children to be able to work around the house. I want them to enjoy working around the house. If I doubt their abilities, if I am too afraid they will fail, and if I cannot handle the loss of control that entails, then their natural desires to learn and help will be stifled. And they will resort to sitting in front of the television while I do all the work.
Not only am I losing my helpers that way, but they are losing their education.
Because I believe that, especially during these tender years, to homeschool preschool is to teach toddlers how a home is run (among other things.) Including young children in day-to-day tasks teaches them routine, order, and responsibility. It builds bonding as you are side-by-side so much of the day.
So I’m going to compile a list of reminders for when I am struck with fear, doubt, and OCD during these young and formidable years. A list that will serve as an encouragement to me and remind me of my initial excitement and sense of purpose for those days when I’ve lost my will to mother. Much like I contructed a list of benefits of nursing during those first seven! months! of pain I endured for Olivia.
A list that will be my deep breaths when the fear, doubt, and OCD start closing in.
1. Do not expect perfection: my children are not perfect. They will make mistakes. No amount of forethought and precaution can make them perfect. Relax and let the mistakes be learning experiences for all involved.
2. Do not expect perfection: I am not perfect. I will never be the perfect mother. Especially when you combine this fact with Reminder #1. God IS perfect. And look how Adam and Eve turned out. I will make mistakes, and I must model for my children humility in how I deal with those mistakes.
3. And yet, despite my mistakes and imperfections, I believe that God has made me to be the teacher my children need most. I know my children: their interests, likes, dislikes, fears. I can use that to be a better teacher to them than someone they only know a year at a time.
4. Never stifle a learning opportunity. Never refuse an offer to help. Always shower appreciation upon the helper. Praise the work done, whether or not it is how I would have done it. Do not douse the joy of serving! If I can keep that joy alive, my life will be made exponentially better – with time and practice!
5. Let them experiment. It’s how they learn. I let my little boy play with a hammer. I show him how to hold it; demonstrate how to use it. Then I pound a nail half-way through a two-by-four and let him have at it. I let my little girl learn how to fold clothes. Sure, it doesn’t look anything like how I fold clothes, but she’s trying! And the joy she is getting from it is worth having to do it all over again (but not while she is watching!). There is a time to teach, and there is a time let them try it on their own. During these times, I need to let them!
6. It is okay to change they way I’ve been doing things all my life if it makes it easier for my child to help. I’ve always folded washcloths in thirds. This is difficult for a toddler to master. Change is NOT LETHAL.
7. Messes can be cleaned. Broken dishes can be replaced (with plastic!). Clothes can be ironed out. But once the joy of learning and serving is snuffed out, it is hard to re-light!
I’m sure I will add to the list as I go.
What motivation do you have to give to a purposeful mother?
What a beautiful post. I admit letting my kids do the dishes TOTALY stresses me out. But help with laundry, sure. Want to vaccume, sure. You want to help mom make bread, heres a chunk, go for it.
As moms sometimes we forget that this is our job, teaching them as we were taught by our parents. We are told we need to do everything for our kids and we do. We forget it is this mind set that causes people today to raise “entitled childeren” who expect us to do everything.
Thank you for this wonderful reminder. I wish you the best of luck as you take this amazing journey called motherhood.
Great post. I’ve been struggling with my own OCD and how much I want my children to be perfect. I have to remind myself to lower my expectations and let them be kids, let them learn that there pace and make mistakes so they can learn.
Oh my goodness, I really identify with this post. I think one of the biggies that causes the anxiety and OCD on the parent’s part is their desire to please/impress other adults rather than serve God/teach their children. Some parents won’t even let the child feed themselves until they are 3 so that the child will stay clean and “look good” for the neighborhood. It’s really about the parent looking like a “good mom.” I think issues like this take some honesty with one’s self asking, “Why don’t I want them to help?” Is it because I think I will look bad if it isn’t as clean as I would do it?
I’m glad to hear you want to teach your children in this way. I know that when I had my son I resolved to not squelch him in his desire to learn and help. I’m really disappointed at how many mothers do that to their children in the name of safety or convenience. My soon to be five year old son helps me with the dishes, sets the table, holds the dust pan while I sweep, mops, dusts, makes his own bed and cleans his own room. It’s not always easy, but I know he is learning incredibly valuable lessons from me as we work side by side.
Short story: my son spilled a glass of water at my mother’s house. I handed him a towel and told him, “You made the mess, now you need to clean it up. Let me know if you need help.” My mother, who has been vocally skeptical of my methods (and NEVER would have allowed my brother or me clean a mess we made as children lest we ‘do it wrong’) was shocked when he very carefully picked up the glass, wiped the floor dry, wiped the nearby cupboard doors, checked under a chair to make sure he didn’t leave any puddles and then hung the towel to dry in the laundry room. That’s the pay off. Your child does not become intimidated by mistakes, learns to think of how to fix them and you, as the mother, can have the enormous pay off of praising your child for a job well done.
Keep up the great parenting.
That’s a great post. Right now, my philosophy is to take a similar approach to helping and learning in the mornings – when MY energy levels are higher and I’m better able to deal with stressful moments.
I also try and keep in mind my future goals for Peaches’ behaviour. So I will take her into challenging environments, I will talk to her about what’s going on and I’ll actively encourage her to focus on good behaviour. It’s hard work and it doesn’t always work – I just believe it will get me there in the end.
Thanks so much for sharing this – that could have been me! Every one of my friends sound like those other mothers you were describing.
My favorite part of making bread with my girls is that they love to stand on their stools, and try every ingredient. I think it is so cute to watch them explore the smell and taste of things like flour, flax seed, salt, and sugar. Imagine all that they are learning by helping!
I love the idea of compiling the encouraging list – I really need to do that!
Thank you for this encouragement! I am SO determined to do this with my little ones (my first is due in February!). I just pray I will have the patience and vision to keep it up. Thank you for your reminders. I want other mommies like you to talk to that will encourage me like this!
This is a hard lesson for so many moms these days. I grew up with a haggard mom who did all the work and never had us help. I didn’t do my own laundry until I was 18!!!! And I struggled greatly to cook when I got married (even though my mom is an awesome cook!).
We moms need to remember that even though we can do it faster and neater while they are young, we are doing THEM a disservice if we don’t train to be happy helpers and we are burdening ourselves down with more work in our future! God didn’t plan for us to grow up lazy, bored kids!
I am enjoying how much my 2yo loves to help in any way he can and how I can trust my 6yo to do chores w/o my help. I do still struggle with teaching them to cook – ironic, huh?
Very nice post! Sounds like you ARE ready to homeschool!
Andrea
I love and agree with this post. I heart it so much I could asplode.
This is so true! You ARE working yourself out of a job, and teaching them how to be good household managers when they’re older. A mom of six whose mostly grown children are incredible helps at their home told me, “When you train, you reign.”
Katherine is almost two, and she helps empty the dishwasher, puts the soap in when it’s time to run it again, helps “sweep” and get the dustpan, brings in the bathroom trashcan when I’m collecting trash, and feeds the cats morning and night. We’ve had plenty of broken dishes (including my very favorite mug), swept piles scattered all over, and cat food on the floor more times than I can count, but she gets better and better each time she does something. And she LOVES helping!
Those other moms are going to try to nag their kids into doing chores at 10 and 11, and they’ll have endless battles over it, because the natural urge to help that toddlers have will have been squelched right out of them!
So very true! As someone with OCD, I have trouble letting go and allowing for changes, messes, etc. #5, 6 and 7 are hard for me, but I am trying. 🙂
That’s fantastic, I totally understand this, because that’s what I try to do, this is a quote for you:
“There’s no way to be a perfect mom, but a million ways to be a good mom!”
Good for you! Sounds like you’re a terrific mommy! 😀 Great post.
you CAN homeschool! I did it for three years, and only stopped this year because I realized that I could not give my youngest children (4, 2.5, and 4 months) my fullest attention while I was homeschooling my oldest two (7 & 9). So, I am taking a year off. Being a purposeful parent to me means making a decision about what is best for you and your family reguardless of whether or not the “world” does it that way! good for you! wtg!