Better question:  Where’s my new laptop?!

Answer:  Sent back to HP.  And without it, I don’t do much on the computer.  Our only computer left during the day is in the back bedroom and as slow as molasses in January – to quote my Grandmother out of context.  Uploading pictures onto it is a frustration I’d rather avoid.  So I’ll upload the ones I have onto Josh’s laptop when he brings it home tonight.

Why did you send it back, Beth?  Why did you let your brand new laptop leave your hands, even for a second?

(By the way, did you know I had a new laptop?  Our desktop is dying (shuts off randomly and really, really slow) and so for my birthday, Josh bought me a laptop!  He didn’t want a computer in the living room making it seem smaller, but a laptop fits right on the coffee table and can be folded up and stuffed away at a moments notice.  Besides, I like things in miniature.  Small glass figurines, puppies, babies, and laptops.  They’re all cute.)

(It’s an HP Pavilion dv5z, in case you were wondering.)

And it was awesome. It had features I didn’t even know to expect.  Like a remote control hidden in a side compartment.  And media keys that were touch keys, similar to the touch pad.  It was so futuristic.

Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for the touch keys to start acting up.  At first I thought it was just when the battery got hot, they would malfunction because they were heat-sensitive and located opposite the battery.  But that wasn’t always the case.  The volume was especially unpredictable.  Sometimes it would work, sometimes not.  When it wouldn’t, sometimes it would just flicker the volume screen (a three inch black box right in the middle of the screen) for several long, annoying minutes.

I chatted with several HP people online and uploaded several drivers and updates.

(Oh, and I LOVE THAT CHAT OPTION.  You did know that you could actually talk to representatives online in an Instant Message format, right?  Because if you’re a mother of young children, or particularly rowdy dogs, YOU WILL ALSO LOVE THIS OPTION.  No annoying hold music.  No cramping in your arm as you continue to hold the phone and wait for your representative to be “with you in a moment” for 30 minutes straight.  No, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t understand your thick Indian accent over the sound of my children screaming.”  And if someone poops/throws up/draws blood, you can UP AND WALK AWAY from your computer.  Most of the time, they don’t respond in a timely matter anyway (because they are undoubtedly talking with hundreds of other people, including their own girlfriends), so they won’t even know you’re gone if you can get back in three minutes or less.)

Ahem.  And I was talking about…?  Ah, yes.  The exchange.  We reached that point after I upgraded and downloaded every option and the media keys were still acting up.  I thought perhaps I could live without them, but then my scroll option on my touchpad ALSO started being flaky.  And honestly, you don’t pay that much money for something only to have the cool, futuristic part of it stop working.  But I didn’t want to be without it for long.  I ESPECIALLY didn’t want to be without it for our train trip, for which we leave on the 22nd.  So I made clear that I would only exchange it if I could have it back QUICKLY.

And the representative was so nice, he promised me he would expedite the building AND the shipping, so that they would be 2 days each.  He told me to take my laptop to FedEx, and as soon as they scanned it, HP would be notified and start building my replacement.  Then, within four business days (that would have been today, by the way), I would have my new, fully functional laptop.

I decided that was completely reasonable and went for it.

The day after I mailed it in, I received an email telling me my estimated BUILD date would be the 24th.  Then, add two days for shipping and I would have it back the day before I RETURNED FROM my train trip.  There were so many things wrong with that email.

Like, for instance, the fact that THEY CHARGED ME AGAIN for the laptop.  They called it an “order” and then proceeded to charge me AGAIN.  And for more than I paid the first time!  $50 more!

I emailed them back.  I called them.  I called them again.  Apparently the scripts they read from don’t allow them much deviation.  Because every time I told them the time frame I had been promised, I received, “The expedite order has been processed and your estimated build date is the 24th.”

BUT I WAS PROMISED 4 DAYS!  THAT IS SO NOT FOUR DAYS.

“The expedite order has been processed and your estimated build date is the 24th.”

My blood boils just remembering the conversation.

They gave me back my money at least.  Or at least I thought they did.  Then I was checking my statements yesterday and saw a $50 charge from HP.  I was betting that they only reimbursed me the original amount I had paid for the laptop, leaving the additional $50 on my card.

I called AGAIN and told them to please remove the charge, and they told me to call back?  To call BACK?  After I received my computer to remove the charge.

WHAT?!

I said I had not purchased anything, this was an exchange – a faulty product for a working one.  I was not paying for services, they have no reason to charge me any amount of money.

“Please to call back after you receive your product and we will remove the charge.”

TAKE THE $50 OFF MY CARD, WOMAN.

After repeating variations of the above numerous times, she eventually gave me her best offer:  “I will remove the charge within 3 to 5 business days.”

Well, it wasn’t as quick as I would have preferred, but it was better than “after I received my product.”

And about the receiving of my product, I was eventually able to talk them into promising I would receive it by the 21st (I leave on the 22nd.)  I told them I was NOT happy and wanted it sooner, not wanting to leave anything to chance (taking two kids on an eight-hour train ride WITHOUT MOVIES???), but that was the best she could do.  At least that’s what I assumed when she simply repeated herself over and over “The product should reach you by the 21st.”

So that’s where I am.  Laptop-less, $50 poorer for the next 3-5 days, and extremely frustrated at Indian customer service representatives.  Nothing against Indians, nothing against CSR’s, I just prefer people who speak my language is all.

And, and HP and I aren’t as bosom buddies as we once were, too.  If the new lappy comes back dysfunctional, I may well ask for a full refund and just go with Dell.

All that to say, you’ll get your pictures tonight.