So I’m a week shy of full-term. Four weeks away from delivery if she’s early like Olivia. Six weeks away if she’s late like Benjamin.
Am I ready?
No.
Sure I’ve got stuff in the freezer for my “Babymoon”. But I’ve yet to wash the gender neutral onesies in the garage. Or find a place to put them when they ARE clean. We did have the infant carrier in the car, but now it looks like we’re getting a van. So we took it out.
What’s this? Why the van? Because we were offered it, way-back-when, and we finally realized the sense in having it. It was mostly decided back when Aunt Shannie, and then Aunt Sassa came to visit and driving two kids and three adults in a Taurus wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world. Then we bought Benjamin’s bed and had to borrow a friend’s van yet again to get it home.
And we realized it was time for a van.
So we’re switching Josh’s parents our Taurus for their Caravan. They’re downsizing, we’re upsizing. When they come to visit on Memorial Day weekend, we’ll make the trade.
But I still don’t feel ready. And I’m not ready to be ready. Yes, the baby’s getting bigger. My pelvis creaks and groans in protest under her weight. The muggy heat of spring (not even summer yet!) has caused momentous swelling in my ankles, fingers, and apparently wrists as well.
Because I appear to have developed carpal tunnel.
The following makes my hands go numb:
- Holding the steering wheel at 10 and 2, like a good little driver, for more than five minutes
- Stirring Tammy’s homemade vanilla pudding.
- Holding the phone to my ear for more than a few minutes.
- Sleeping on any part of my arm (and when you’re not allowed to sleep on your stomach or your back, this is quite inevitable.)
But it’s not all one stereotypical moan-fest. I love having this life inside me. I love the kicks, squirms, and hiccups. I know that within hours of giving birth, I’ll miss it. And long for it. All over again.
And yet, I also long to hold this little one. To know if I have another daughter or son. To finalize the name. To watch my husband beam down on her, exuding his undying love. I want to nurse again. I want a little one who falls asleep as soon as she recognizes the comfort of her mother’s scent and feel. (Instead of poking at my eyeballs and stubbornly refusing to settle down at night-times….)
But I’m not ready. When strangers in line behind me at the grocery store laugh and tell me how ready they think I must be, I just smile cordially. Because I’m not.
I don’t know how to handle three children. I’m really just getting the hang of two children. How am I going to do this?
For the most part, I think we’ve prepared Benjamin and Olivia to be independent enough that it’s possible to introduce a new little dependent being into the house. But then I have a crazy lunch time where I barely get the chance to sit, what, with all the spilling and “more!”ing and “no, please don’t!”ing. And I mentally put a third child into the picture. One who wants to nurse during the craziness.
And I struggle with my breathing.
So no, I’m not ready. But I have faith in God that I will be when the time comes.
Give me this day my daily bread.
Enough for today. And when I pray tomorrow, it’ll be enough then, too.
AHHH! So soon! I’m confident in your ability to raise yer three youngins. You can totally do this.
I miss the wonders of pregnancy as well, and I was surprised that I missed them almost immediately after giving birth. I was so glad to finally hold my son, but I missed him kicking me from the inside. Weird.
I’m pretty sure that I’m not fertile yet, but soon enough I hope to have #2!
Will be prayin for ya dearie.
aww. I know how you feel. I don’t even have a baby who sleeps through the night and I’m longing for another. he he. but I don’t think I’m ready to handle 3 (obviously, or God would have given me a 3rd). I KNOW You’ll do wonderful. You’re a great mommy. Plus, O is such a good helper, and B will be soon.
I loke you!
I think I went through the very same thing in the last few weeks of my third pregnancy. I went a bit overdue, and as much as I was feeling so DONE with the physical part of being pregnant, I was very anxious about the transition to three. Not having one hand for each child. Not being able to take care of the things that the older ones needed when the baby needed.
What I found out was that it wasn’t as big of a struggle as I imagined it would be. My oldest, especially, has made the transition easier for me. She is always eager to help in any way she can, and as time has gone by, her ability to help continues to increase. She’s almost like a second little mommy in the house. Not that I don’t feel a little bit guilty about that… but it means that things aren’t so crazy.
And remember – things don’t get *really* crazy until the third one is jumping and climbing along with the rest of them. And you’ll at least be eased into that part. 😉 You’ll do fine… though I’m sure it will be even BETTER than fine. Most likely, great!! Don’t worry too much! Enjoy the homestretch. 🙂
This is such a lovely post! I had the last of my (5) babies 2 1/2 years ago. It was a sweet moment to read and remember this stage. There is something strange about reaching the end of a pregnancy, or child bearing for that matter, and you have captured it beautifully. Thank you!
I echo Heidi – this IS a lovely post! You worded things so well. I can totally understand, except in a different way. I am so excited to have a child, but I am already thinking wistful thoughts of life with “just the two of us”. I don’t have the personal experience that assures me that children are totally worth it yet. I know it will be okay, but part of me isn’t ready.
And, you’re scaring me about what two+ months of muggy, humid summer will do to my body when I’m 8/9 months pregnant! 😉
I am 39 weeks pregnant and feeling the SAME thing!!! You put it all so well…
I had just written a post myself about how much I really do love being pregnant (besides the pelvis aches and the numb hands part! HA! So true!). God has blessed me with a very easy pregnancy, and when people tell me, “Oh, you must be ready! You’re probably begging for him to come out,” I have to disagree. Although this is only my first, it is the most amazing miracle ever. I was made for this!
And once again you arfe right, in the Lord’s perfect time, he WILL make us ready. Our daily bread — I LOVE that. Grace for the moment, right? Blessings, sister!
oh could i have written this post, except i’m 4-5 wks behind you. i’m ready-not-ready. 3’s gonna be tough…. and you’ll be just far enough ahead of me i’m gonna be crying into my laptop at you asking how you do it!!! 🙂
at least i’m not swollen, tho. 🙂