Josh and I were talking about adolescence last night. It was brought on when we heard one of those “Teaching Moments” on KLOVE (Christian radio). They were talking about how to handle your teenage children. How to relate to them. How to talk with them.
And we started discussing what made adolescence so difficult. Because, really, we’d like to avoid that, if possible.
I’ve heard the theory that adolescence is hard because at that age, children are becoming adults. They want more rights, more freedom, more independence. It’s a natural progression that helps them be able to live on their own. The problem is that in this society, children aren’t “adults” until they are 18 years old, and adolescence starts at, what, 13? So that’s six years of struggling over how much freedom your child should have. It’s unavoidable.
And I think there’s some truth to that.
I know in cultures past, adulthood came much sooner. Wasn’t Mary only 13 when she married Joseph and gave birth to Jesus? The need for education has put so much of young people’s lives on hold, and it gets me more than a little bit fired up. But that’s another post.
But I don’t want to believe that the struggle and frustration are unavoidable.
(The same way I don’t want to believe in the “terrible two’s”. It’s the optimist in me.)
So I started thinking, wondering what it was, exactly, about adolescence that caused the frustration and stress and struggle.
I think it’s healthy for adolescents to have more freedom and independence. As long as they make the right choices.
Aha. There it is. The right choices.
I bet most of the struggle between parents and adolescents are over choices that the parents believe to be wrong and the teens believe to be right.
(At least that’s what I remember from my own experience AS an adolescent.)
So maybe… just maybe, if we focus really hard during the childhood on educating our children on right and wrong, we can have a better adolescent experience? And I’m not talking about the trivial, relativistic, “what’s right for me isn’t right for you” truth. (Isn’t that kinda the theme of adolescence?) I’m referring to the indisputable, irrevocable Truth of God.
Well, it’s worth a shot, right? Better start straight away – I’ve got less than 10 years!
(I would LOVE to hear from mommies of teens on this. Because I am in no way a parenting expert in any sense of the word. Help?)
As a mom of a toddler and a preschooler with all my wisdom I will comment. HA. Actually, I was a teen once so I feel I have some experience…
I think a lot does start in childhood, not only teaching them right and wrong, but also building your relationship with them. You can’t be best friends, but having a friendship is healthy and helpful. I’ve seen lots of parent/teen relationships and the ones that I’ve seen with the fewest arguments and no rebellious teenager syndrome came from those who were friends not just parent/child.
So our goal with our girls is to teach them right from wrong, teach them the importance of obeying God, parents, and adults as well as building a good relationship with them so they feel they can tell us EVERYTHING. I want them to be able to come to us when they have their first crush, when they fail a test, and even in times they mess up big. But not without a bit of fear knowing there will be punishment involved.
Does that make sense?
I am a mom of a 14 year old, 8 year old and a 1 year old and I can’t say I did it right the first time.
I only recently became a Christian (6 years ago) and unfortunately did not make very good choices in my early parenting years. It is very true when you say to start young and I already see that in my 8 year old. It is also essential to have a good support network and a social crowd that has the same values as you. Unfortunately we are in a society where values and morals are not important or valued so it is easier the more people are in your life that think the same way you do.
Peer pressure is also an issue and no matter how strong their faith and morals are no child likes to get teased at school. I wish you luck and I pray for all our teenagers and children that have to grow up in our society today.
I don’t have teenagers and am not even a parent. I have, however, worked over a year with at-risk kids from Christian families. I don’t know what parents did or didn’t do in raising their kids but I do know a few tips. As has already been said above- it starts before teenage years! Teaching them the truth NOW and building a loving and disciplined relationship with them.
Hate to say it- but there will be issues of some sort in the teenage years. But knowing that means you will be more understanding of mistakes and hard times. Don’t place unreasonable expectations on your kids (I know, easy for a non-mother to say). Start now, don’t waver when things get hard, and stay rooted in the truth yourself and you AND your kids will get through just fine.
I think that one thing to remember is that your children have to make their own choices; agency to choose good or evil is a gift from Christ, who does not force us to follow Him. As adolescents, in many cases they’re old enough to make their own decisions about things–and I think the struggle comes when they want to choose a path of which their parents do not approve.
I believe in teaching correct principles, and love of God, and then guiding children and letting them fail where appropriate–even if it’s painful as a parent.
Because when they’re all grown up, you won’t be able to make the decisions any longer.
Oh, it IS going to be painful, isn’t it?? Really? I have to let them learn their own lessons? I have to watch them get things wrong? Are you SURE I can’t hold their hands throughout their ENTIRE LIVES???
Actually, I remember a Mother Superior we had in my H.S. who had a good handle on what was something you should fight about and what was something you shouldn’t.
And in her mind, it was temporary and superficial vs. permanent and life altering.
So the girls who came to school with blue hair and 12 earings in their face? No problem. She knew that the girls needed to rebel and express themselves and those were ways that were superficial and temporary. If that was the path they chose, that was fine.
And to make sure we didn’t make bad choices, she strongly beleived in educating us girls and giving us the power to make GOOD choices. And supporting us if we failed. After all, we were still kids. We couldn’t be expected to always make the right choice.
I loved her and hope to take some of her lessons as a parent.