I don’t know exactly when my life changed.
I don’t know when I lost control.
When the stress started mounting.
When I started yelling more.
Loving less.
I woke up one morning and didn’t like my life anymore.
The children were fighting, screaming, crying, clinging, smothering. I couldn’t demand obedience. Not even if I screamed. Which I did. A lot.
I would plead with God for patience. To be filled with His Spirit. To be a better mom. I begged. I tried. I failed. I tried harder. I failed harder.
I stopped asking.
I knew I should be reading my bible, but told myself God understood that I was busy. That I never had a moment to myself. So I didn’t have time for Him.
My heart grew colder.
The first prayer I prayed, I almost didn’t.
It was two days before Levi’s birthday – the day before his party – and his present hadn’t come yet. Josh thought it could still make it, but I had given up. And you know something’s wrong with life with Josh is the optimist of our relationship.
“Maybe we should pray for it” slipped from my mouth before it was even fully thought and I was immediately embarrassed. As if God would answer such a pitiful prayer. A meaningless request.
And yet, somehow, the thought was strengthened within me. And I prayed.
And He answered. It came.
For the first time in months, He had my attention.
That night, I hit my knees on our living room floor and begged His forgiveness for my absence. My pride. My anger. My failure as a child of God and a mother to my children.
The day after Levi’s party, on his birthday, we went to church. He wooed me fiercely with songs of a Love no sin could diminish.
The realization that it was Father’s Day brought a flood of tears as God planted the knowledge in my head that He had never left me. I had turned my back on Him. Unlike my earthly father, He was always there, waiting for me to open my eyes to see, my ears to hear.
I resolved to try harder.
And failed spectacularly.
But He remained with me, waiting for my eyes, my ears, to find him.
This morning, alone in a car, I cried out to him. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be. Why wasn’t He helping me? Why couldn’t I do this?
I found myself in Romans less than an hour later.
He found me in Romans.
I found Him in Romans.
We met in Romans.
And He explained to me the concept of Faith. Not works. Faith. Not trying. Trusting. If I am a perfect mother in my own power, how does that glorify Him?
I need to let go.
I am letting go.
Let go with me.
Say it with me.
I am letting go of the heavy burden of perfect motherhood and letting the faith that Christ will fulfill his purpose in me wash over me.
Amen?
Amen!
I don’t think I’ll ever read your website at work again. I started crying! Just a little emotional right now…missing home and family. Anyway, thank you for your honesty. It was beautiful.
Amen! That’s where I was when we were at your house. Luckily God got a hold of me too.
I loke you.
.-= Jes´s last blog ..Feeling inspired =-.
Amen. We are reading Romans right now together as a family, my husband me and our 5 month old son. Between that and the book of John, you can’t help but realize it’s pure faith and belief on the Jesus. No works will do.
Isn’t it amazing he draws us to us? Even when we’ve been so far for so long.
you’ve never replied to any of my comments before, so i’m not sure you will today either, but i just wanted to say that i’ve been there. i’m THERE. our 3 children are all so very close in age. i mean, your levi is just 2 wks older than my avery, and my oldest will turn 4 in 2 wks. i know the insanity that is 3 closely aged children and the tears turned inward that turn into a heart screaming until you realize it’s actually you screaming. shut up or something very close to it and you think you’ll crack.
i’m there.
for probably the first time in my entire adult and spiritual life i finally know my God. i finally love him and know he loves me too. i have met him, completely broken, and he has held me. a quote i’ve recently discovered is that we are broken people and we live by the mending, the grace of god is the glue. profound, isn’t it? that we could be so broken and walk around by the mere fact of grace holding us together, towards each other, in love w/ each other?!
i pray that he continues to woo. i pray that he holds you in all the sticky, prickly grace of refining. and that your little ones, those littel blessings, are surrounded in love and love back.
it’s messy.
Misty, I’m sorry I never responded back! I love and cherish every comment but read most of them with my hands full of baby. Which I’m sure you do also! Thank you for that comment. I love that we are going through the same stages together and you can share your experience and wisdom with me. God knows I need it! Thank you for being such a good bloggy friend!
“draw me; we will run after You—” song of songs 1:4
our lord is so faithful to press on in drawing us to Himself. He has been opening my eyes widely to see that anything of myself is only keeping me from His goodness, His divine nature, His righteous way. that as i lay down my life, i take up His abundant life. not i, but CHRIST!
“and I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall LIVE” ez. 37:14
Oh, Beth. Thank you for your words! What an encouragement to us mommies – I will dsmit, I have looked at your pix and blogs and crafts and recipes and felt defeated at times because I could never come close to what you appeared to be – having it “all together” – but that is sin on my part. I should know better. NO one has it all together – we are all clinging to grace! Just another reminder that I/we need Him so badly! Thanks again!
.-= Mama V´s last blog ..Mmmmmmmmonday 2 =-.
Wow… I have visited your site a couple of times, and as I read this blog today I find myself looking at a reflection of where I am today! It is my 32nd Birthday, spent away from family (due to the fact I am an Army wife), and I have two boys under 2 1/2 and the words I read resonate within my spirit. I KNOW I need to go back to God, and not neglect Him!
Thank you for writing, and posting this.
God Bless!!
I stumbled onto your blog today after typing “all natural mommy potty training” into the search box. Little did I realize that I would stumble onto your site. One of the firs things I noticed was your testimony. Praise the Lord! I may not be the co-sleeping, baby wearer that you are but everything else just about lines up. It’s not often you run into other “Christian-Natural-Mommies”! So I lingered on your site and WHAM! This post hits me in the face! I have been struggling with these very things for days now. I know what I should do but doing it seems to take everything that my tired, mother of two body has in it. Why is it that the best things for us are sometimes the hardest? Shouldn’t dwelling on God’s word be the easiest thing is the world?! None the less, I hope you don’t mind, but I’d like to use this post in my blog (the credit is all yours) because you have managed to say something that has been weighing heavy on my heart in better words than I can form. Thank you!
You have my permission. My prayer while writing (or letting the Spirit write through me) this was that it reach as many mommas as possibly who need to hear this truth. You reposting it could only help!! I’m so glad God led you here! 🙂
WOW. That is ME!!
Although I feel like I’ve turned a corner, I don’t yell nearly
As much and I’m enjoying my kids much more. Amen. And
Thanks for you honesty
-Lauren