I have to keep refocusing. I want to slip into the grief the world knows. The permanent good-bye. The self-pity so deep it sucks you in and suffocates.
Yes, I miss her. And parts of my life will be worse because she is no longer in it. She was a resource of infinite possibilities. Gardening, sewing, parenting, life. And I didn’t ask her nearly enough questions.
She was a comfort that would always be there. Someone who would always back me up, defend me, strengthen me. And now that’s gone.
Besides her sisters and my brothers, she was the last of my family. Her parents are gone, my dad’s parents are gone, and my dad decided years ago that he didn’t want a part of my life.
I want her back. For me. So I don’t suffer. And really, that’s selfish. Worldly grief strikes me as selfish.
I’m only at the beginning of this process. So I know I have much to learn. But I’m trying to remind myself to grieve with hope. To grieve with thanksgiving. To grieve with praise.
I said it before, but I need to say it again. She wasn’t meant to live a life separated from God. None of us were. And that’s over for her. Thanks be to God.
But I still cry.
I know how you feel. my Dad was an endless supply of Bible knowledge but I didn’t know it until he was gone, or rather I didn’t care. Now I wish I could ask him question after question.
And if I ever lost my mom, I’d feel like you. I call her at least once a week with a question about something. I know I don’t appreciate her as much as I should, and I don’t let her know how much I appreciate her either. Thanks for the reminder. And I promise, with time it gets easier.
I loke you and I’m praying for you.
*Sigh*…
I totally understand you how are feeling, since my Mom has been gone for 10 months now. Grieving is SUCH hard work, but unfortunately it is work that MUST be done. If we push it aside because we think we can just stay busy & ignore it, it will come raring back down the road.
So I am glad to hear that you are going through the process. It is hard, it is sad, it is filled with tears.. And I am with you – I don’t think we ever stop missing our moms. I, too, think of so many questions I wish I would have asked her now!
Blessings to you & may God be with you & give you peace on this journey!
My heart goes out to you. It sucks, experiencing that huge empty room that a mother leaves after her passing. After 3 years I still find myself crying unexpectedly at the slighted memory, or when I realize that my mother would have had the perfect wisdom for a certain situation… I’m so thankful for the compassion I feel from our savior and His grace that saves me from bitterness and self pity. I experienced hope, that is that something good might come out of my mothers passing, after attending a Grief Share class (infant child in tow) at a local church. Maybe you would also find it helpful. http://www.griefshare.org – Kindly, Kari S
i lost my mo in 2007…she tumbled down the stairs, she was 67…..she did not suffer but i feel like much was left unsaid..
the grief is there but it is FOR US…not for them…..she is now whole and healthy…..(both our moms)
you cannot ignore it, i had to go to therapy..i’m assuming you have a pastor???
my dad is also a complicated story…so i feel orphaned…i hope your dh is supporting you..mine was my rock…
the wound will remain..you will function again…and well i still cchat w/her and ask questions..lol….makes me feel better
I’m so sorry for your loss! My mom went to be with the Lord in ’98 after a long battle with cancer. I still miss her and cry sometimes that she is not with me anymore, especially when the “big” life events occur. I carried her picture on my wedding day so could be with me and I cried extra tears for her when I had my daughter. The wonderful thing about having your life in His care is He creates a greater capacity in us to process all of this and helps us to develop a new normal for our lives. I will be keeping you in my prayers.