I guess I never realized most attachment parents thought their parenting style would make the need to spank obsolete. That keeping their child close and loving them to the fullest extent possible would teach the child right from wrong, leading them to a life of obedience. And, maybe, for some children, that is all it takes. But I want people to know that is not always the case.
Paul discovered in Romans that the knowledge of right and wrong just leads to the desire to sin, for “the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” [Romans 7:19] As my children learn more and more about the world, their disobedience grows. And as a parent, it is my job to train each child in the way that affects them best in each situation. Sometimes that is a time-out. Sometimes that is the confiscation of a toy. And, yes, sometimes that means a responsible spanking.
A responsible spanking is not done in anger. And is only used in cases of true rebellion. Not childish mistakes. Repeated, direct disobedience, rather than a carelessly spilled glass of milk.
Do I think spanking goes against attachment parenting? No! I think the two go hand-in-hand. Attachment parenting creates an environment where my children are able to observe and learn right from wrong as they are with me as I make those choices. Attachment parenting creates a bond of love and trust between my children and myself. They know that I am not spanking them because I hate them. I have to teach them that there are consequences for their actions in a way that gets their attention. They do not like the spankings. But they still love me. And they know I love them.
I know there will be people who disagree with me. Every child is different. One sibling may require different disciplines than another. Or the same child may have more sensitive days than others. Being an attachment parent means knowing your own child best. I’m not saying you need to spank your children. Rather, I’m saying that when done right, it is a viable option.
Please be kind in your discussions below. Thank you!
I have a few questions:
What exactly is attachment parenting?
Where in the word does it say to only use spankings for true rebellion? What verses do you use to back up taking a toy away or time out?
Dealing with alot of this myself and would love your help!
I have never run into a hard core AP believer who has believed in spanking. I suppose it depends on your definition of AP. I think what you said was very well thought out.
As a follower of Christ, I believe that the Bible is our authority for how to live, including our parenting. This post at Dare to Disciple covers some excellent verses on discipline and the believer: http://greenegem.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/proverbs-and-spanking-part-3-believers-behavior/
I very much like what you wrote. You seem to be intentional with your discipline, which is so incredibly important. I haven’t read others’ definitions of attachment parenting, so I can’t comment about consistency with the larger philosophy.
I think the danger in spanking is more for the parent than the child, because it is more tempting to use as a tool when you’re angry. The same touch in play elicits laughter, whereas in discipline it often brings forth tears.
I like John Rosemond’s discussion of “discipline” as “disciple-making.”
My mother is horrified that my husband and I have made the decision to use spanking when necessary (and it hasn’t been an easy choice for me). It took a full month after her visit to get our two-year-old back to his usual mostly obedient self. Often we give him a choice: do you want to do what we say, or do you want a spanking and then you do what we say? Then we follow through on his choice.
Very well-said, Beth!
This was very well-written, as all your blog posts are! However, our personal experience was that we had to stop spanking. We started with our firstborn twins and stopped when they were four. No matter that we had been very controlled with it and only used it in what we termed “serious” situations. [My husband came from a non-christian home and he was beaten quite badly as a small child – consequently he never felt comfortable using physical punishment for our children.] My parents actually recently apologised to me for using spanking as discipline when I was a child. They didn’t use it with my youngest brother and sister and they are the least rebellious, most secure, and happiest 17 and 19 year-olds I know; I also envy them their great relationships with my parents, something I and my “spanked” siblings have struggled with. I realised after letting go of spanking that the amount of control I was trying to exert as a parent was really unnecessary. I’m not saying it’s alright to let your kids get out of control – but there are other ways to deal with it. We have been working on developing relationships with our kids more thoroughly and amazingly, the need for discipline has diminished a bit. It also diminishes every time I actually listen to them instead of foisting my next demand on them. I’m a bossy parent in recovery, so to speak; spanking was just another one of my tools of control.
This is something I’ve been pondering recently. I have very negative feelings of being spanked as a child, and I would love to not use spanking at all for our children. I started the spanking on the hand when Savannah was younger, and it didn’t seem to affect her actions whatsoever. The pastor’s wife at our old church told me it was because I wasn’t hitting her hard enough, which made me uncomfortable. She was of the opinion that spanking is the appropriate way to discipline young children. I feel caught between the “spare the rod” and the “children are basically good” extremes.
Ashley, if you do not want to spank, listen to your heart! There are many other ways to help guide your children and teach them. I have tons of resources for non-punitive parenting (not just letting them run wild and hoping for the best) that I would be happy to share. 🙂
By official “attachment parenting doctrine”- no, spanking does not fit in with their philosophy of gentle discipline (see http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp ) but no one says you have to be the by-the-book attachment parent, either. Do the research, and use the tools that seem most beneficial for your family- and that may include spanking along with cosleeping, babywearing, and breastfeeding.
As for us, Josh and I have negative memories of spanking, so are highly skeptical of the practice, but understand that different children will need different discipline strategies. I don’t expect to make spanking part of our toolbox, but I’ve already learned the lesson of making parenting decisions before we’ve been there.
I agree, definitely that there are other ways of disciplining a child. And I completely understand your reasoning for stopping. After all, if your right arm causes you to sin, cut it off. If spanking is causing you to be a worse parent, then cut it out of your life. You’re doing wonderfully!
Ashley, (and all others with “negative memories of spankings”), does anyone really have positive memories of spanking? The event is not supposed to be endearing. 🙂 It’s supposed to reach through the child’s strong, defensive will and create a memory of negative consequence for their actions. But if Savannah is not responding to spanking, then keep trying other methods, definitely! Only you and Paul know what is best for her.
While I should never stop looking for verses that teach me how to live, I don’t have one to back up my every decision. 🙂 So I don’t have one that enforces time-outs or toy confiscation. I just do what makes the most sense to me in each situation. If there isn’t time for a time-out and a toy wasn’t the cause of the disobedience, then a spanking usually fits the bill, for one example.
And by making the distinction between childish mistakes and true rebellion, I just wanted to make sure everyone understood I wasn’t spanking everytime my child spilled a glass of milk, as annoying as it may be that I had already told them 20 times that meal to move their cup away from the edge of the table… 🙂
(Not that they refused to move their cup, but rather that they had forgotten where to put it after their last drink.)
Oh I’m not saying I should have *positive* memories. I just have a lot of FEARFUL memories. Being terrified of my dad. I’ve never had a great relationship with my dad. I think he spanked in anger a lot. But to be honest, the thought of spanking strikes feelings of dread. I have a feeling that I was the type of child that would have responded better to a different form of discipline. I hope that I have the wisdom to know what type will work best with each of my children and their personalities.
This resounds with me completely. I was fearful as a child and terrified of doing anything wrong. My parents were loving and we usually had a hug and a prayer after spanking and I recall trying to be happy outwardly, but in my heart, none of that mattered and I felt devastated. It made me feel as if I didn’t want to know them and even now remembering spankings brings a feeling of sadness – not because of my disobedience, but because my parents had hit me. When you’re using spanking, how can you be sure you’re dealing with the root cause of a child’s disobedience? I don’t feel as if that was ever dealt with in me. I modified my outward behaviour because I was afraid of the physical consequences, but spanking was like a supposed “cure-all” which did absolutely nothing for my inner growth in the long run. Not long after we stopped spanking our oldest two children, one of them begged to be spanked instead of being allowed to experience the natural consequences of his behaviour! (Loss of a visit to a friend) I can see the evidence of increased character growth in my boys after we ceased spanking them. There is more honesty coming from them and less deceitfulness; they know we want to talk through their problems with them and are much more likely to open up about what is causing their behaviour, unlike before when they’d be completely alienated from us after we’d punished them with a spanking as a result of their behaviour.
I tried to respond to your comment, Erin, but apparently I can’t thread that deeply. 🙂
I wanted to say that once a child is old enough to respond to logic, I feel that spanking becomes less and less appropriate. I feel, right now, anyway, that spanking has a relatively small window in childhood. As much as I try to reason with my 19mo and 3yo, it just doesn’t always work. 🙂 And I need to them obey me, both for their safety and because God has called me to train them that way. And I try a bit of everything to achieve that goal, and sometimes spanking is all that works.
But my 5yo responds to logic, and has been trained to obey her parents. She rarely ever gets a spanking anymore, and when she does, it just doesn’t feel right to me. But I still reserve it as a form of discipline should the situation be very severe. In addition, I’ve read that spanking past the age of 8 is practically worthless. So all that to say (it’s a bit loud at my house right now and I can’t really hear myself think, so I hope I’m making sense!) once the child starts responding to logic, spanking should be on its way out.
But then, there’s another argument that teaching a child to respond solely to logic can have its flaws. In a busy parking lot, for example, you need a child to come immediately when you call, and not stand in a car’s path listening to you argue logically with him why he should be moving out of the way. 🙂
So I feel it makes sense to have a foundation of immediate obedience drilled into a child at an early age through whatever means necessary and once logic starts entering the picture, our disciplinary actions turn more into discussions where lessons are learned.
Not that I am a drill sergeant who commands obedience every moment of the day! This is just an ideal that makes sense to me. But everything in moderation! And I have DEFINITELY learned to pick my battles.
Thanks so much for your openness and grace in continuing the conversation and responding to all the comments. I really appreciate hearing your perspective. From all that I have studied in child development, children that are too young to have a good grasp of logic also are too young to have fully developed impulse control. Even if I spanked my two year old for running into the street, I wouldn’t trust her to be able to play safely in the street at that age. In fact, I would wonder if it could compound the danger by causing her to run from fear of another spanking. Regardless, since I would need to hold her hand in streets and parking lots either way, I can’t see how spanking would help.
I would love some resources on the topic, especially for toddlers. My daughter is only 18 months old, so it’s impossible to reason with her.
Toddlers ARE impossible to reason with. THey lack the language skills necessary for it. I feel Dr. Sears’s books are stellar. The man is a Christian, a doctor, AND raised 8 chhildren , iirc. He has enough experience that I can trust him.
Contrast him with Dr. Dobson, who raised two children.
((hugs)) One thing I CAN tell you is that my now 2 year old, who has never been struck, does no worse than my older son whom I struck constantly. Two’s are Two’s no matter what.
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I don’t think you have to be “hard-core” AP to believe that spanking does NOT belong in an AP household. Can there be anything more likely to cause your child to push away from you than using physical violence with the child? And how do you plan to teach your children that they can’t hit people when you are hitting them? I have never even raised my voice at my 23 month old son, let alone raised my hand to him, and I never will.
I know many many parents who practice AP who have “spirited” children who have never spanked them.
I’m sorry to say this but I must stop following your blog now. Best wishes in your future and I hope you will eventually see that spanking is not right.
While I hear your reasons for spanking, I do not at all agree with them. It is sending the wrong message. My husband was spanked,beaten etc by his mother and although he loves her, he has no respect for her at all. I was never hit by my parents and our relationships are amazing.
Whenever you feel the need to hit your child to “send them a message” just think about this “message” as an adult, we don’t go smacking each other when another person is doing something we don’t think is appropriate.
To each their own, but I just don’t think it is a necessary way to interact with your child.
This makes me very sad to read. I just can not see Jesus hitting a child seems like only the action of a flawed human. I am sure God expects more from us. How can you hit your child them turn around and tell them not to hit their brother or sister. Hitting is no AP no matter what. As an AP your are to find out why your child is doing what they are doing. It could be a number of things. How bad would you feel if you hit your sweet child and they are coming down with a cold. Hitting is always bad. I feel very sad for those of you that think it’s ok and even more sad for your children thatjust want your live and understanding.
i consider my self a AP and i spank my children, they are amazing kids and understand that i dont spank them cause i hate them. they know i love them and i talk with them about their actions and the consequences before and after the spanking. I am a amazing parent and I spank my kids on occasion.
I understand what you’re saying, and I think it’s important to open up this discussion. I am a “hard core” AP mother, and I am also a Christian. Early in my parenting years, I spanked my oldest child b/c I believed that she needed to obey me based on certain verses in Scripture. However, upon deeper study, when Jesus came along, he said to the effect that the old ways were done and that we are to follow what he preaches. No more eye for an eye, so to speak. In addition, it is my belief that children cannot grow up to know what God’s love is — unconditional, trust, joy, affectionate, etc. — if they do not receive that same love from their parents. All three of my children went through the same developmental stages, whether or not they were spanked. But it took years for me to repair my relationship with my oldest child, whom I only spanked for the first couple years. It is true that every child is different, and some are naturally more resilient than others, but if someone was to spank a child less resilient, it could really set him/her back. I want my children to grow up to be happy, wonderful Christians who easily trust God and who help spread his Word and love to everyone they meet. And I believe in a strong nurturing side to parenting, combined with a strong discipline side — but without spanking or timeout. I teach and I guide, but I do not punish, and I have no problem with my children obeying me. I just wanted to put it out there, that there are other ways than spanking. You have to sort it out yourself, but if there is a chance that you are actually teaching your child to sin by spanking (whether or not you do it in anger, based on that child’s temperament), there are other options.
Thank you for a beautifully written opinion.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I am so surprised at these other comments! It is never ok to raise your hand to a child or adult! How can you say this is parenting in anyway? I feel bad for the children of people who spank I truly believe spanking is all about you and is not to better your child. Why not just slap them in the face? What’s the difference? Oh it’s that people would see the marks! Come on people it’s 2013! It’s illegal to spank in some states and for good reason. You should all be ashamed for your attempt at parenting is just showing you’ve hit a road block and decided to attempt fear based parenting. Covering it up by saying you are an attachment parent makes me sick.
You can’t decide if you’re an amazing parent… Your kids do and they will. I feel like you’re in for some criticism when they’re older.
I don’t understand how causing physical pain to your child can be helpful in any situation. The only thing spanking does is instill fear in the child as to what will happen if they disappoint their parent. One of the main aspects of AP is to view and treat your child as an equal human being, not as a robot that you are trying to control. The main goal of discipline by AP is for children to learn the literal consequences of bad decisions on their own, as opposed to being slapped on the butt… The only consequence that teaches them is that the action angers/disappoints the parent. Spanking doesn’t enable the child to see and experience what was truly wrong with the choice they made.
EXACTLY! THANK YOU! Spanking is probably one of the most anti-AP things you can do. I cannot believe that this woman considers that to be her parenting style, when she uses physical violence to control and manipulate her children!
Thank you! I finally found someone who believes the same as me. AP parenting style, specially for the infant, and spanking as part of the discipline of a child. Carrying a baby around will not spoil them, but not disciplining and letting them control us will spoil them.
I think that spankings are only necessary in serious situations where verbal communication with the child isn’t working… As kids age and become more verbal then usually spankings are done with, and time outs are used, and you’ll know as a parent when to make that transition. I think most parents that spank are well intentioned with it, and try to use more gentle approaches first and use spanking as a “last resort”
I think there’s a difference between spanking and “harsh” spankings that induce fear in a child… The idea of spanking a child is that by doing it they won’t repeat bad behavior… if a parent has gotten to a point where they find themselves spanking more often than not for the SAME action then it’s time to find something else. Spankings will not work for every action and if worked one day it may not work the next, and that’s parent of parenting… there are some parents who no matter what use harsh spankings as a consequence for everything and I would deem that “abuse of power”…